Cherish

Baby boy,

As we inch closer to your due date this week of April 4th, this is what I will remember and hold onto...

I will forever be thankful that I was able to experience pregnancy... and all of its beautiful moments. How thankful am I that I had the joy of feeling you move for the first time. And even though you somehow always dodged Daddy's hand, Daddy finally felt you move too when we were in the hospital. I am so thankful for the moment when I first heard the most beautiful sound of your beating heart. I am so thankful for the memory of holding Daddy's hand in utter excitement as we saw on the ultrasound that we were expecting a little boy. I am so thankful for every moment of seeing you, touching you, feeling your strong grasp. I am so thankful for the chance to soothe my own crying child. I am so thankful for our sweet and sacred time of holding you as your spirit flew away and went to heaven. Every moment of those six months and six days...

For all of these things, I will ALWAYS be thankful...

and will forever cherish you.

"Before I held you in my arms, I held you in my heart.

That is where you began, and where you will always be."

(author unknown)

Is there cereal in heaven?

So without even intending to, my heart and mind pick right back up where I left off before the health scare with my sister. I've once again become very aware that this is the time that I would be welcoming my little boy home from the hospital. Tonight I was having a major sob moment about it. I was sitting in the bathroom talking with my sister as she cleaned up the "battle debris" of bath time. I tried to tell my sister through the sobs how tired I am of wondering if I will ever have a baby. "It's been years," I said, "and we came so close." (yeah, at this point I try to not even count, but it's been almost 4 years.) At that moment, my little 4-year old nephew Caleb opened the door and came in, soon followed by 2-year old Lauren. They both just looked at me wide-eyed, then we had the following conversation:

Caleb: Wha'd ya do, Aunt Jenn? (Miss and I laughed, realizing it looked like I got in trouble and was put in time out.) Why ya cryin'?

Me: I'm just sad. That's all, Caleb.

Caleb: Why you sad?

Me: Because I miss my baby Tyler. (The kids know all about him from Miss.)

Caleb: Why you miss him?

Me: Because he's in heaven now, and he's not with me. (I'm still trying to stop crying through this conversation at this point.)

Caleb: Tywer (Tyler) will come back to see you though?

Me: No, not anymore, sweetie.

Caleb: But Aunt Jenn, Tywer's with Jesus now?

Me: Yep, he's with Jesus.

Caleb: Oh. Is there cereal in heaven?

Me: Oh, I'm sure there's all kinds of yummy cereal in heaven.

Caleb: Are there wights (lights) in heaven too? (Apparantly he's afraid of the dark these days.)

Me: Yes, there are beautiful lights in heaven.

After that, cute Caleb just nodded, grabbed his toy, and exited the room. My neice, however, stuck around and dabbed at my tears with a washcloth. Too sweet. Oh, to be able to think with the simple mind of a child. Baby "Tywer" is with Jesus... he has cereal and lights, and somehow that was all Caleb needed to know. But for me, at this moment, my heart still gapes open.

Thank you, Caleb and Lauren, for being your cute, sweet selves. Aunt Jenn loves you both.

Happy 3-Month Birthday, Sweet Baby

Baby Boy~

It is hard to believe that it has been 3 whole months since the first time we heard your sweet cry. What we would give to hear that again... but that is selfish on our part, for you are in the best place right now. You are in heaven, and we are here...so very far away from you. But still, we hold you forever in our hearts, where you will always be. And still, we thank God for every precious moment we had with you. You will always be our miracle, Baby Boy.

We love you~ Mommy and Daddy

Peace

I was telling Mike tonight how the ache in my heart is getting bigger again, now that we are quickly inching closer to our due date of April 5th. What else is there to do than to grab on to that peace that God can give us? I know sometimes for me, it comes down to a choice. I can let myself stay forever wallowing in my sorrow, which trust me...I could so easily do sometimes. Or I can CHOOSE to believe that God has a plan and He knows what He's doing. That doesn't mean I don't cry and grieve...I cry a lot! Sometimes all day, and sometimes it's an all-weekender event. But I don't let myself stay there permanently. If I did, I wouldn't be seeing the good and the blessing from my little Tyer's life. That's the road I've got to take. Not just for my own sanity, but for my little boy. Meeting him and having his purity and innocence in my hands inspired me to be the Mommy he needed, and now inspires me to be a better person...to be the person God planned me to be all along.

So about that peace?

I need that peace now. That peace that passes the need to understand any of this. The peace that passes the urge to figure all of this out.

I'm asking you for it, God, and I thank you for giving it to me!

"And the peace of God, which passes all understanding, will guard your hearts and minds through Him." ~Philipians 4:7

Priceless

So with tax season coming up, I found myself feeling sick thinking about a tax credit for having our baby in 2007. I asked my husband about it, and as soon as the words were out of my mouth, I just felt guilty. It's a hard thing to explain, but the whole idea of that just made me sick to think about. Get money back for our baby? Our baby that we lost? In a crazy way, it's like putting a price tag on our time with him...

Tax credit= $1,000
Time with Tyler= 6 days
Benefit per day= $167.00

As silly as it all may sound, I can't help but feel like I would rather get no money. It's not like I want a larger amount, I just don't want any at all. No one can pay any amount for that time we had with our precious son. In fact, I would pay a million dollars just to have one day again. One more day to feel that tiny hand clenching my finger. One more day to eagerly get ready to visit him. One more day to see him respond to my voice. One more day just to whisper into his ear, "Mommy loves you, sweet baby." One day to have the chance to hold him before he died. One day just to lay my face against his little belly.

One more day, that's all.

I would give anything.

His Scrapbook

While I was pregnant, I was going to start a scrapbook about my baby. I'm still planning on doing it, but for so long I just was putting it off. I started it yesterday, and it was painful! Everything is spread out in the guest room...which would have been the nursery. It felt so unreal as I sat in the room working on it. I should have been painting it and picking out cute curtains, not making a memory book of the baby that I lost. It felt so unfair. It was hard to just see everything again... all of his little things. His tiny little diaper. My hospital wristband. His social security card that will never be signed. His birth record with those cute, little footprints. The pictures of our beautiful time together. I let out a good, long cry which always helps me to be able to pick up and keep going with life. That, and knowing that somehow this is not the end... that that emptiness will be filled somday. My guest room will have a crib in it someday, holding our little baby that's waiting to be held by us. I DO believe that!

Purpose

As you already know, this blog is in memory of my sweet baby and the 6 wonderful days we had with him. At first, I had debated about sharing such personal information with complete and total strangers, but if there is even one person out there that feels encouraged, then the mission of this blog has been accomplished. Secondly, it's also a way for our friends and family to have constant access to updates on how we are doing. I know that doing this will also be therapeutic to me in itself. Sometimes it all just feels like a dream. Lastly, for those who are willing, I'd like to ask for your prayers. We know that someday we will be Mommy and Daddy again...we are just not sure how or when. Please pray that in God's time and in God's way, it will happen again for us. We would appreciate that so much!

It's time!

I have wanted to start a blog for years now, and I decided it's finally time! I pray that if you are here, reading this, that you feel encouraged in some way. I'm calling this blog "Six Days." If you knew ahead of time that you only had six days with your child, how would you spend it? Pack it full of living, loving, and the things that will mean the most to you in the end. So, this blog will not only tell you about our beautiful son Tyler, but it will also be about life before and after him. We miss him so much, and we will keep his memory forever in our hearts. If you have ever lost a child, I know that ache. There is a plan... one that we may not know, but God does. Hold on and hope on and trust God to take care of the rest...