31 Weeks and a Few Thoughts...

First off, I apologize for not posting sooner! I know there are many of you who communicate your prayers to me as you follow our story, and I so appreciate that! Although I've had contractions every day since about 17 weeks, I've noticed them a bit more often than usual lately. Because of that, I've had to try to lay low as much as possible. Good news is that Mike recently brought our laptop home now that his football season is over at school, so I should be able to update more often now.

I am SO happy to be 31 weeks now!! I am still loving every minute of it! What used to feel like little kicks and flutters has now turned into roll and slide movements from one side of my belly to the other. I felt her stretch the other day, with her hands jabbing one side, and her feet nearly poking out of the other side. (It helps me identify which end is which when she has the hiccups.) Yesterday, she was moving so forcefully that Mike and I saw something little stick out of my belly about an inch or so, slide across, and repeating. We actually thought that was a little freaky, like something from the "Alien" movie! We are enjoying it all!

Some of you have asked about my due date. I'm due January 9th. It will be a c-section since I had one before. Please pray that I can make it to that time without any complications from contractions, etc... Another prayer request is about a dream Mike and I have had...to get to be in the operating room together, with me awake, and meet our little girl together for that first time. We would really appreciate your prayers for those two thingn.

We are really getting excited just thinking about meeting her, and we are just so thankful to be where we are now. God has really shown us a lot through all this, and I look forward to sharing that with you as we go along.

One of those things is actually something I learned soon after we lost Tyler. I would hear some people say that they are so blessed, as they seemed to have everything going right in their lives. (Not specific people, just in general.) Which gave me the question, "Am I not blessed? And those like me who have lost a child or are struggling..are we all just forgotten or overlooked?" But the truth really is that we are all blessed no matter what is going on in our lives. Sometimes, the clouds grow thick and cause those blessings to be more difficult to see, but they are still there.

I learned then that true thankfullness for life's blessings should happen no matter how discouraging our circumstances are. It doesn't mean it is easy to recognize or that we need to smile as we go through hard times. I just believe that God loves us each the same, and not one person is more lavishly blessed than another. Our blessings and our circumstances may just be different from what we hoped or expected. I just can't imagine that God has tiered levels where he places us to receive varying amounts of goodness. The goodness is always there...He just has to open our eyes enough to see the big picture.

Mike and I realized at our son's funeral that we were so blessed to have him, if even for six days. Were we smiling and happy to be at the funeral? No way! I remember feeling as though I was totally drowning in sorrow. But still, we knew our time with him would forever be a blessing.

So again now with our baby girl, we say we are soo thankful for the blessing that she is too. Sooooo thankful more than words can say!

We are also thankful for you for following our story, and for your prayers for all of us!

(This post is where I first talked about this idea of "Thankfullness, In All Times." I have a feeling it will explain these thoughts a lot more clearly.)

Thankfulness... In All Times

This is a topic I have wanted to write about for some time, and just could not find the words to match my thoughts. Please know this is not meant to sound judgemental at the different ways we all handle stress or sorrow. There is not a wrong way...we each handle things in our own personal ways. This is just a revelation that I have had and wanted to share, and I'm sure that I will be re-reading this post later to remind myself of the truth when I am not quite feeling it myself...

As humans, it is easy for us to proclaim in the happiest of times how good our God is. We hold off our praise until we get the answer we want, then we say, "God is awesome!!" What do we do then when times get rough? Do we cower and run or shake our fists angrily in His face? I have been there. I am all for being honest with God...question him all you want. Get angry. Let him know. He knows our most inward thoughts anyway, so what have we to hide? Of course, pain is not fun...losing a child goes beyond words. Finding out my sister has cancer is beyond shocking and frightening. If Jesus can take the good and the bad in His own life, shouldn't I then too??

It seems that the bad times really are the true test of faith. Again, it doesn't mean that we need to always smile and act cheery as we endure hardship. If I believe that God is awesome when my life seems to go so smoothly and perfectly, then I must believe that He is the same awesome God when the storm is rocking my boat. He does not change although my surrounding circumstances have. So if I am ever quick to shout that my God is so good when the seas are calm and beautiful, I hope I will still shout it as the storm rages on. I can honestly say that my sister Melissa has found the strength to do this right now...as her song is "Praise You in This Storm."

As people around me have their families and live out seemingly perfectly smooth days, I hear some say that they are so blessed. And indeed they are. But sometimes, the blessings from God go beyond the known circumstances that meet the human eye. I may not be receiving the specific blessings I want at the moment I ask for them, but I am still so blessed in so many other ways. Sometimes we become so focused on the blessings we are not getting, only to then miss the blessings that we are receiving.

Even now, as I order my son's gravestone, I too am blessed.

As I pray for my sister's chemo appointment tomorrow, I trust God to take care of her because He IS awesome!

I know God lovingly holds our past and our future, because He is good.

He raises us up from our circumstances, and places us high on that rock...so even though I see storm waves raging, I am not in them. They are all around me, but I'm not drowning. That's when we can lift our heads from sorrow and say--

"Yes, God, even now... we are blessed."

This post is dedicated to my Little Sis, who exemplifies this attitude that I strive for and inspires me to do the same. Love you, Miss.

*I just found out after posting all the above, that my sister's cancer is NOT in her bone marrow! Thank you, God!! Yes, just as you were five minutes ago, you are STILL good!!

Never Underestimate My Jesus

I really enjoyed a phone conversation I had with my sister tonight--she never ceases to amaze me! She was telling me all about her PET scan experience, including the injecting of the slightly scarey, radioactive element before the scan. The nurse asked her if she could set a radio to a station she would enjoy. Missy asked for a Christian music station that she really enjoys, but to no avail, as there was too much static. The nurse then told her she would probably like a CD that they had available there of a mix of Christian contemporary songs. The nurse set up the CD, helped get Miss comfortable, then left.

Then Missy told me how silly she must have looked from that point on. She said that many songs were so encouraging to her, that she was lying there with a smile on her face for much of the time. She said her favorite was a song she hadn't heard before called "Never Underestimate My Jesus."

Well, Sis, I found it for ya...I hope this is the one. Turn up your speaker because it's playing right now too! Enjoy... love you!

Never Underestimate My Jesus

by Reliant K

Am I at the point of no improvement?

What of the death I still dwell in?

I try to excel, but I feel no movement.

Can I be free of this unreleasable sin?

Never underestimate my Jesus.

You're telling me that there's no hope.

I'm telling you, you're wrong.

Never underestimate my Jesus.

When the world around you crumbles,

he will be strong.He will be strong.

I throw up my hands."Oh, the impossibilities."

Frustrated and tired,where do I go from here?

Now I'm searching for the confidence I've lost so willingly.

Overcoming these obstacles is overcoming my fears.

I think I can't, I think I can't.

But, I think you can, I think you can.

I think I can't, I think I can't.

But, I think you can, I think you can.

Gather my insufficiencies and place them in your hands.

Place them in your hands.

Place them in your hands

Melissa, My Sister

This post is shared with you with a prayerful heart, with an expectant heart...knowing that our God heals. We found out April 14th that my sister does in fact have lymphoma. She has non-hodgkin's lymphoma, specifically the large b cell type. The grade is intermediate, meaning between low and aggressive. We won't know the stage until she has her PET scan soon. We are hoping that it will be localized in just one area, making it easier to treat. Her chemo treatments are already scheduled for May 6th. I'm planning to take a week from school on May 16 to see her, and I can't wait! Talking on the phone just doesn't cut it right now.

Have I already mentioned how awesome she is?? I know I have...tons of times. She is the strongest one right now out of all of us. In fact, she was concerned about me in how I was doing...knowing how far I am from everything. Can you believe that?? For those of you who know her, I'm sure you can. She's at such peace right now...she describes it as feeling that God is holding her high above the waves below, and she's not lettin' go.

Please...I'm asking all of you right now... pray with me. It doesn't matter if you are a stranger or close friend. Please just pray that the chemo treatments will be completely effective. Please pray that the lymphoma will be in an early stage. Please pray that Missy and Doug will continue to feel themselves tight in His grasp right now. Thanks to any and all of you who are willing to do this!!!

"Hear my cry, Oh God; listen to my prayer.

From the ends of the earth I call to you,

when my heart is overwhelmed...

Lead me to the rock that is higher than I."

Little Sis, God will keep you high on the rock. Sometimes we still feel a splash from a wave, or even one that knocks us down....but our Heavenly Father will pick us back up and keep our feet planted there. And if we look out in the distance past the storm, we can see the sun waiting for us beyond the clouds. I love you!

Words of Encouragement

I heard these verses and this quote this weekend, specifically the night of our due date, and wanted to share them with all of you too. I hope it can bring some comfort and encouragement to anyone out there who may be needing it. It was such great timing for me... they could not have been more perfect for what I needed to hear. May you be blessed by them too.

"We were under great pressure, far beyond our ability to endure, so that we despaired even life. Indeed, in our hearts we felt the sentence of death. But this happened that we might not rely on ourselves, but on God, who raises the dead. He has delivered us from such a deadly peril, and He will deliver us. On Him we have set our hope that He will continue to deliver us, as you help us by your prayers. Then many will give thanks on our behalf for the gracious favor granted us in answer to the prayers of many."
~2 Corinthians 1:8-11

"God does not leave us comfortless, but we have to be in dire need of comfort to know the truth of His promise. It is in time of calamity... in days and nights of sorrow and trouble that the presence, the sufficiency, and the sympathy of God grow very sure and very wonderful. Then we find out that the grace of God is sufficient for all our needs, for every problem and for every difficulty, for every broken heart, and for every human sorrow."
~Peter Marshall (1902-1949)

Choosing to Believe

It's in these times, that my emotions and my fears make it hard to have hope for a future family. That's when I have to make a mental choice... to choose to believe... to choose to have hope. So many people have encouraged me by saying they truly do believe that we will have children again someday. I know God is really the only one that truly knows, but still, I receive strength from that encouragement. Just in the past day, I've heard it a few times... even once from someone who commented here. Someone I don't even know, but I thank you just the same. Thank you all for believing at a time when it is really hard for me to believe that.

He Will Carry Me

I heard this song today as I was driving the 8 hour trip back from my sister's house. It was good timing for me. If you've also been wounded in the battle, I hope you feel Him carrying you too.

He Will Carry Me (sung by Mark Schultz)

I call, You hear me
I’ve lost it all
And it’s more than I can bear
I feel so empty
You’re strong I’m weary
I’m holdin’ on
But I feel like givin’ in
But still You’re with me

And even though I’m walkin’ through
The valley of the shadow
I will hold tight to the hand of Him
Whose love will comfort me
And when all hope is gone
And I’ve been wounded in the battle
He is all the strength that I will ever need
And He will carry me

I know I’m broken
But You alone can mend this heart of mine
You’re always with me

And even though I feel so lonely
Like I’ve never been before
You never said it would be easy
But You said you’d see me through the storm

It's time!

I have wanted to start a blog for years now, and I decided it's finally time! I pray that if you are here, reading this, that you feel encouraged in some way. I'm calling this blog "Six Days." If you knew ahead of time that you only had six days with your child, how would you spend it? Pack it full of living, loving, and the things that will mean the most to you in the end. So, this blog will not only tell you about our beautiful son Tyler, but it will also be about life before and after him. We miss him so much, and we will keep his memory forever in our hearts. If you have ever lost a child, I know that ache. There is a plan... one that we may not know, but God does. Hold on and hope on and trust God to take care of the rest...