Peace

I was telling Mike tonight how the ache in my heart is getting bigger again, now that we are quickly inching closer to our due date of April 5th. What else is there to do than to grab on to that peace that God can give us? I know sometimes for me, it comes down to a choice. I can let myself stay forever wallowing in my sorrow, which trust me...I could so easily do sometimes. Or I can CHOOSE to believe that God has a plan and He knows what He's doing. That doesn't mean I don't cry and grieve...I cry a lot! Sometimes all day, and sometimes it's an all-weekender event. But I don't let myself stay there permanently. If I did, I wouldn't be seeing the good and the blessing from my little Tyer's life. That's the road I've got to take. Not just for my own sanity, but for my little boy. Meeting him and having his purity and innocence in my hands inspired me to be the Mommy he needed, and now inspires me to be a better person...to be the person God planned me to be all along.

So about that peace?

I need that peace now. That peace that passes the need to understand any of this. The peace that passes the urge to figure all of this out.

I'm asking you for it, God, and I thank you for giving it to me!

"And the peace of God, which passes all understanding, will guard your hearts and minds through Him." ~Philipians 4:7

His Scrapbook

While I was pregnant, I was going to start a scrapbook about my baby. I'm still planning on doing it, but for so long I just was putting it off. I started it yesterday, and it was painful! Everything is spread out in the guest room...which would have been the nursery. It felt so unreal as I sat in the room working on it. I should have been painting it and picking out cute curtains, not making a memory book of the baby that I lost. It felt so unfair. It was hard to just see everything again... all of his little things. His tiny little diaper. My hospital wristband. His social security card that will never be signed. His birth record with those cute, little footprints. The pictures of our beautiful time together. I let out a good, long cry which always helps me to be able to pick up and keep going with life. That, and knowing that somehow this is not the end... that that emptiness will be filled somday. My guest room will have a crib in it someday, holding our little baby that's waiting to be held by us. I DO believe that!