Cherish

Baby boy,

As we inch closer to your due date this week of April 4th, this is what I will remember and hold onto...

I will forever be thankful that I was able to experience pregnancy... and all of its beautiful moments. How thankful am I that I had the joy of feeling you move for the first time. And even though you somehow always dodged Daddy's hand, Daddy finally felt you move too when we were in the hospital. I am so thankful for the moment when I first heard the most beautiful sound of your beating heart. I am so thankful for the memory of holding Daddy's hand in utter excitement as we saw on the ultrasound that we were expecting a little boy. I am so thankful for every moment of seeing you, touching you, feeling your strong grasp. I am so thankful for the chance to soothe my own crying child. I am so thankful for our sweet and sacred time of holding you as your spirit flew away and went to heaven. Every moment of those six months and six days...

For all of these things, I will ALWAYS be thankful...

and will forever cherish you.

"Before I held you in my arms, I held you in my heart.

That is where you began, and where you will always be."

(author unknown)

Be Inspired By the Lawrenson Family

Need some major inspiration?
Visit http://www.cfhusband.blogspot.com/. Please pray for this beautiful family...and specifically that Tricia will get the lungs soon that she needs to survive. Their example has encouraged me to trust God more unconditionally, and to know there is a purpose for this place to which He has brought us.

Choosing to Believe

It's in these times, that my emotions and my fears make it hard to have hope for a future family. That's when I have to make a mental choice... to choose to believe... to choose to have hope. So many people have encouraged me by saying they truly do believe that we will have children again someday. I know God is really the only one that truly knows, but still, I receive strength from that encouragement. Just in the past day, I've heard it a few times... even once from someone who commented here. Someone I don't even know, but I thank you just the same. Thank you all for believing at a time when it is really hard for me to believe that.

He Will Carry Me

I heard this song today as I was driving the 8 hour trip back from my sister's house. It was good timing for me. If you've also been wounded in the battle, I hope you feel Him carrying you too.

He Will Carry Me (sung by Mark Schultz)

I call, You hear me
I’ve lost it all
And it’s more than I can bear
I feel so empty
You’re strong I’m weary
I’m holdin’ on
But I feel like givin’ in
But still You’re with me

And even though I’m walkin’ through
The valley of the shadow
I will hold tight to the hand of Him
Whose love will comfort me
And when all hope is gone
And I’ve been wounded in the battle
He is all the strength that I will ever need
And He will carry me

I know I’m broken
But You alone can mend this heart of mine
You’re always with me

And even though I feel so lonely
Like I’ve never been before
You never said it would be easy
But You said you’d see me through the storm

Is there cereal in heaven?

So without even intending to, my heart and mind pick right back up where I left off before the health scare with my sister. I've once again become very aware that this is the time that I would be welcoming my little boy home from the hospital. Tonight I was having a major sob moment about it. I was sitting in the bathroom talking with my sister as she cleaned up the "battle debris" of bath time. I tried to tell my sister through the sobs how tired I am of wondering if I will ever have a baby. "It's been years," I said, "and we came so close." (yeah, at this point I try to not even count, but it's been almost 4 years.) At that moment, my little 4-year old nephew Caleb opened the door and came in, soon followed by 2-year old Lauren. They both just looked at me wide-eyed, then we had the following conversation:

Caleb: Wha'd ya do, Aunt Jenn? (Miss and I laughed, realizing it looked like I got in trouble and was put in time out.) Why ya cryin'?

Me: I'm just sad. That's all, Caleb.

Caleb: Why you sad?

Me: Because I miss my baby Tyler. (The kids know all about him from Miss.)

Caleb: Why you miss him?

Me: Because he's in heaven now, and he's not with me. (I'm still trying to stop crying through this conversation at this point.)

Caleb: Tywer (Tyler) will come back to see you though?

Me: No, not anymore, sweetie.

Caleb: But Aunt Jenn, Tywer's with Jesus now?

Me: Yep, he's with Jesus.

Caleb: Oh. Is there cereal in heaven?

Me: Oh, I'm sure there's all kinds of yummy cereal in heaven.

Caleb: Are there wights (lights) in heaven too? (Apparantly he's afraid of the dark these days.)

Me: Yes, there are beautiful lights in heaven.

After that, cute Caleb just nodded, grabbed his toy, and exited the room. My neice, however, stuck around and dabbed at my tears with a washcloth. Too sweet. Oh, to be able to think with the simple mind of a child. Baby "Tywer" is with Jesus... he has cereal and lights, and somehow that was all Caleb needed to know. But for me, at this moment, my heart still gapes open.

Thank you, Caleb and Lauren, for being your cute, sweet selves. Aunt Jenn loves you both.

Good news!

Mayo Clinic said there's no evidence of cancer cells in the tumor! They do want to do more testing though and will either do another biopsy or surgery. Surgery is not my sister's top choice, as the procedure would be like an open-heart surgery with a big recovery time. Mayo also said that it is acute and chronic inflammation with fibrosis. I think... in other words... there was an infection, inflammation, making the tumor. Thanks for your thoughts and prayers!

Monday's the Day...

of sadness or celebration--but either way, it will be with complete trust in God. I found out today that we will definitely find out on Monday whether or not my sister's tumor is cancer or not. Again, we would sooo appreciate your prayers about this!! It's the uncertainty and fear of the unknown that is so scarey, and so we place it in the hands of the One who does know. I always have to remind myself the second part we often leave out of trusting is to also do the resting. If we say we do trust God's plan for our lives, then we must hand it completely to Him and not worry about it. Sooooo much easier said than done. Trust and Rest. So I'm telling myself now...Rest in knowing that whatever the answer is, it will somehow be the best thing. But am I still wholeheartedly putting in my request to the Lord?? You bet!