My Sister

It really doesn't matter in the long run if I ever see those necklaces again or not. I'm instantly reminded of more important things after talking with my bro-in-law Doug tonight. Today, my sister went to the cancer center in Indy as opposed to the one in her previous hometown in Dayton. The new cancer center rearranged the order of the medicine during this treatment, making her more nauseous then she's ever been. She's been vomiting since then, and I hope she's able to sleep now.

If you are willing, please pray for her. It's hard to see someone you love go through this. I wish I could still help her, but I am thankful that she has a friend with her helping with her family right now.

A Downhill-Only Roller Coaster

You know, usually the good thing about life being a roller coaster ride is that it's equally full of the good and bad moments. That would be why right now, at this moment in time, I'm comparing my life (lately) to what feels like a roller coaster that doesn't seem to know how to go back up.

I don't blog to get pity or sypmathy, and I definitely do appreciate true care and concern. I'm a pretty straight shooter with explaining how I feel, so I'm not going to stop being honest now.

I'm really asking lately...why is all this crap happening to me??? Is there really a plan to all this?

Let me re-cap for you, and again, NOT trying to get pity here...

* Lost my baby boy in December.
* Student died in February.
* Sister diagnosed with Lymphoma in April.
* Dad continues to have Parkinson-like illness that remains undiagnosable, therefore
untreatable.
* While leaving Indy last week, found out my dad fell and shattered his upper arm,
requiring surgery. (Yes, the fall could have been worse.)
* While staying overnight with my dad in the hospital, my car gets broken into in the
parking lot. (Sure, kick me while I'm down.)

And wait, it gets even better--

* Didn't care much about most of the stolen items, but was devastated to see that
they stole a necklace my sister Miss gave me for my birthday. It had Tyler's
name etched on the silver pendant and the word "miracle" on the back. They also
took my mustard seed necklace that a friend gave to me in December. I'm not a
diamonds and pearls kind of girl, but those things meant a lot to me.

So, I can feel my boat rocking a lot, and I'm asking questions now... Is there any purpose to all of this? No, I'm not forever turning bitter, I'm just being honest.

I've trusted God's plan through all this, and sometimes it's just down-right scarey to think of what He may have planned next. Sometimes, I do feel like a walking target. No, I don't feel like this all the time...most of the time I know that there is purpose to it all, and I remind myself of my verse-- Jeremiah 29:11.

But right now, I'm just tired. I felt beaten down over the weekend and I'm still feeling it somewhat now. I don't have an inspiration-filled post, just an honest one.

I'm ready for the roller coaster to go up.

And I want my necklaces back, you little redneck jerk.

My Love

Too much to say for a miniscule post on my blog, but I will say this...

I am so thankful for a husband who supported me in spending the last 5 weeks away from him, as I helped my sister. Even though saying goodbye was painful, he never doubted that that was where I needed to be.

And I am even more thankful to be back with him now.

Life With My Sister

Since I'm with my sister in Ohio right now, most of my posting will be on her blog-- www.danceintherainmelissa.blogspot.com. I do have several things though that I want to write and post about here, so that will be coming hopefully soon.

For now, I'll leave you with this--

Aunt Jenn + pulling sister's kids in wagon + 5 mile walk to lake + 95 degrees (for real) = NOT GOOD

Fun times!

In Christ Alone by Geoff Moore

Someone just passed on this song to me...I love it.

These words are from the first verse--

"This cornerstone, this solid ground,
Firm through the fiercest drought and storm.
What heights of love, what depths of peace,
When fears are stilled, when strivings cease!"

What amazing peace we can have when we set aside our own fears and strivings! When we let him pull us out of the raging waters, out of the fiercest storm. Why is it sometimes I refuse to be pulled out, so I stay in those raging waters? But when I do pray to be raised out of the storm, that's what the power of Christ can do. I'm on the cornerstone, feet firmly planted. I can still see the raging waters and feel the winds on my face, but I'm no longer drowning... (Of course, sometimes I do fall back in the water... a lot.)

More words from the song...

"No guilt in life, no fear in death—
This is the pow'r of Christ in me;
From life's first cry to final breath,
Jesus commands my destiny."

I used to struggle with a lot of guilt about Tyler's death. It was my faulty body that gave out on him. Of course, I didn't choose to do it...I know that. But try telling that to a mother who's looking at her newborn baby...a newborn baby who was perfectly healthy until his mommy's body would no longer keep him in. I remember the nurses were so sweet talking to me about this, as I was really having a hard time seeing him for the first time. So much healing has happened with this, only through the power of Christ...

Before losing Tyler, I used to have a huge fear of death. I can't explain how irrational it was. My fear has been that I or Mike would die in a car accident. I have no fear anymore. Mike and I held Tyler as he took his final breaths. All in the same moment, we felt incurable pain, uncontrollable tears, then the silence of peace. I remember feeling peace in that room. And I feel it again when I close my eyes and remember being there in that moment with our son. Now, I said I have no more fear of death...but I definitely don't have a death wish either! I have a lot of living to do, but it will be living without the fear of things that once bound me. I am thankful for the life of Tyler and the time with him as he passed away that taught me this! I am thankful for that time.

Untouched

(First of all, I have to say that Mike's face is really not twice the size of mine as it appears. That's what happens when you're the one standing closer to the wide angle lens. Just trust me on this one.)

The other day I found myself staring at this photo on my fridge. Mike walked in and looked at me strangely, then I laughed and realized how odd I looked...seemingly entranced by my refrigerator door.

I was really staring at this picture though. This photo of me and Mike was taken several years ago. We had been married for probably 3 years, but had no idea of any future fertility issues.

What drew me in was noticing how untouched by life we seemed to be in this picture-- just pure joy, giddy love, and carefree spirits. How quickly we can so be robbed of those things by life's struggles and challenges. I know we all face them. I feel I will only be forever robbed of those things IF I allow it to happen.

It's definitely not a one-time decision to not let this happen. Sometimes I have to decide every day that I won't let my situation forever rob me of my own life and of loving life. It's just like asking God for help and for peace. That's not a one-time deal either. I ask again and again. I definitely can't do it on my own.

So would I return to the day of that picture if I could to replace life now? Honestly? No way.

I've learned too much from all this. Learned to not take sooo many things for granted that I have before. Learned that we may not always get what we pray for...but that's still an answer...an answer we may understand in our lifetime, but maybe not. I've learned that our God is really not this vindictive thing that just zaps people left and right. He sees more and knows more than our human minds can understand.

And more importantly, I've gained too much from this whole situation. We gained Tyler and the memories of those six, glorious days. These struggles usually make or break a marriage, and I'm so thankful that it's made mine and brought Mike and me so much closer. Words can't even explain how awesome he's been through all this, but that's probably another post for another time...

These are things that I wouldn't trade for anything...not even for being "untouched" again.

Tyler's Journal

I'm still piecing together Tyler's scrapbook. I decided to add a few journal entries (from my pregnancy journal) into the scrapbook also. I've kept this one close in my heart for months now, but finally decided to share it now. I only dated it as December 2007 at the time, leaving a blank for the day, but never went back to fill it in.

December 2007

Sweet Baby,

I just wanted to say that
I love to feel you move.
Daddy says I'm lucky that I
get to feel you move often.
He'll be so excited to feel you
move too. He thought he felt
you move around 17 weeks,
but he wasn't sure.

Many times, I'll be wondering
if you are okay--when I've
not felt you move for a little
while. Right at those moments,
you give me just a little kick
or thump, as if to say--

"It's okay, Mommy.
I'm fine and
I'll see you soon."

Of course I didn't know it at the time, but this would be my last journal entry written while I was still pregnant. Little did I know, in just a few days I would be seeing my sweet baby way sooner than I had ever hoped or expected. How I miss those little kicks of my precious baby...