About three or four years ago, I had a dream. A beautiful dream. A dream of a little baby girl in my arms. I distinctly remember the feel of her soft skin as I stroked her cheek and the sight of her head full of soft, dark hair. I stared at her in awe, knowing she was a blend of her daddy and me. What a heavenly feeling as I held her, filling what had so long been my empty arms.
Then I woke up. Realized it was a dream. Felt IMMENSE pain. I sobbed. A lot. No baby. Just a cold, dark room full of dreams. Shortly thereafter I wrote a poem called "Sweet Baby." I wrote it for the baby girl that only existed in that little bit of heaven as I slept.
Mike video taped me reading that poem just weeks before giving birth to our little Alexis Faith. It took a long time to record it...not because the poem was that lengthy, but because I couldn't stop crying. I think we maybe had five or more takes before I could finally get the words out. Maybe I'll post it for you to see someday.
So before, I had a dream.
But now, I have a little girl... sweeter than the sweetest dream.
Thursday, March 25, 2010
Friday, February 26, 2010
Little Miss Sunshine
Tuesday, January 26, 2010
The Birth Story: Part 2
(Got a few minutes? This is a long one!)
It was only minutes before Mike joined me in the operating room, but it felt like hours...
There were so many emotions coming toward me during this time....it all felt somewhat like a dream.
A dream that we have had for a very long time.
I realized how quickly things are beginning to move around me. There was already so much action amongst the doctors and nurses, and the surgery had not even begun yet.
It was time to lie back on the table now. Let me tell you, I realized then how large I really was as I was trying to center myself on a table that seemed to be a foot wide. Not an easy task.
The anesthesiologist began testing the effectiveness of the spinal. He rubbed a cold swab on my legs first. I could feel the swab, but not the coldness. He continued that test to see how far upward the anesthetic was going. He decided to raise the head of the table a bit. How strange that I could feel all the swabs...hmmm... hoping the spinal's doing its job!
More action around me. My arms were being velcroed to the boards stemming from the table. Trays of tools were being wheeled up toward us. I really tried not to look at those!
Wonder if I can still move my feet. I tried, but it felt like it was definitely in slow motion...such a strange feeeling. At that point, I decided not to try anymore, so I wouldn't freak myself out!
The curtain was up, blocking my view of the surgery. I knew they had begun prepping me.
Did I just hear someone welcome Mike into the room? I tried to look toward the doorway, but there were too many nurses to see around.
Then I saw him...nothing can describe how great that was. We were together. He had on the mask, and the full OR outfit. Although I couldn't see much of his face, I knew that he was smiling. He sat down on the stool next to me and said, "This is it, babes."
A woozey and lightheaded feeling was hitting me big time. And they hadn' t even started surgery yet. Or so I thought.
"Will they be starting soon?" I asked one of the anesthesiology assistants who was standing near my head.
"Oh, they've started alright. You're open right now, sweetie," she told me with a laugh. I was glad to know that we were that much closer than what I realized.
A minor drawback of being awake for surgery--there was a lot I was trying to ignore so I wouldn't feel worse. But the smell of flesh or skin burning was about more than I could ignore.
Just breathe, Jenn....soon....she's coming soon...
"It'll be just a minute now," she told us.
Mike and I looked at each other again, in total and sheer excitement. He was holding the video camera up high, but not high enough to catch the surgery itself.
So much tugging and pulling, then pushing up high on my ribs.
I was waiting...waiting to hear the words. Any minute now...
***************************************************
Months ago, when we found out we were pregnant again, we asked people to pray for two specific things. The first was obviously for a healthy pregnancy this time. And the second... the second was for Mike and I to be together this time in the operating room, so we could hear our baby's first sweet little cry together.
Thank you, God. Both dreams were coming true...
***************************************************
I heard it right then. The most beautiful sound that ever reached my ears.... the sweet sound of a strong cry from our baby girl.
I didn't have to look up at Mike to know that we were both crying at that moment. So much to go through to get here, but this moment was worth it all.
I heard some aww-ing from some of the nearby nurses. I saw other nurses standing by the baby's bed, waiting for her.
Then I saw her...just a glimpse, but still I saw her. Saw a little foot sticking above the arm of the nurse carrying her to the bed. A glimpse of some chubby little legs. And dark hair? Did I see that? We knew she would have lots of dark hair!
Then I saw something equally as amazing... I saw Mike being a daddy. He was standing beside her with the video camera, soaking in his little girl.
More tears....that's what I had waited for for years....not to just be a Mommy myself, but to also get to see Mike be the Daddy that I know he's been longing to be. And here he is with her now... such a proud Daddy already, touching her and bending down to talk to her.
"Will they bring her over to me?" I asked.
"Yep, they'll wrap her and bring her over to ya here soon."
I couldn't wait. Couldn't wait to see her little face up close.
I was still trying to ignore the extreme light-headedness I was feeling.
The assistant told me, "Your blood pressure dropped pretty low, so we're giving you tons of fluids... and you'll feel much better once they put your insides back in..."
What?? Did I just hear that? Oh, no details please.
Just then I looked up to see Mike holding her, all wrapped and snug in his arms. Then he looked up and stepped toward me. I quickly asked the assistant if I could have one arm freed so I could touch her.
He lowered her down. Then I felt the softest little cheek next to mine. Heard some soft cries, and saw the cutest, chubbiest little face. I touched her soft skin and through my tears, I said the words that I had been waiting to say--
"Hey Baby Girl, I'm your Mama."
Mike had to leave then as they were finishing surgery and cleaning me up.
Everything still was happening so quickly. Soon they were done, and it was time for them to move me from the table back to the bed waiting nearby.
"You'll get to hold her as we take you both to recover in your room."
"I'm afraid I'll drop her...I feel like I can't move most of my body right now."
"No...we'll have her tucked in good with you. She won't go anywhere."
They brought her over and laid her in my arms.
Such a moment right there that I'll always remember. The moment where the years of waiting were no more. The exact moment where the past two years of loss and heartache turned to nothing but total joy. All washed away by our little dark-haired angel that I was holding in my arms. Tears just flowed quietly.
They wheeled us back to our room, and I knew what we would find there... Mike holding the video camera, welcoming his wife and daughter.
The nurses left, then it was the three of us. Mike and I just took in everything about her, and just held her tight. We were all smiles.
"She's here, babes...she's finally here," he said.
I just whispered back with a smile, "Yes, yes she is..."
Alexis Faith, we have eagerly waited for you with such perseverance. And even before we had the comfort of holding you, we trusted our Heavenly Father that He would lead us to this day. And now little girl, here you are...
Safe... in our arms.
"For we were saved in this hope. But hope that is seen is not hope. For why does one still hope for what he sees? But if we hope for what we do not see, we eagerly wait for it with perseverance." (Romans 8:24-25)
It was only minutes before Mike joined me in the operating room, but it felt like hours...
There were so many emotions coming toward me during this time....it all felt somewhat like a dream.
A dream that we have had for a very long time.
I realized how quickly things are beginning to move around me. There was already so much action amongst the doctors and nurses, and the surgery had not even begun yet.
It was time to lie back on the table now. Let me tell you, I realized then how large I really was as I was trying to center myself on a table that seemed to be a foot wide. Not an easy task.
The anesthesiologist began testing the effectiveness of the spinal. He rubbed a cold swab on my legs first. I could feel the swab, but not the coldness. He continued that test to see how far upward the anesthetic was going. He decided to raise the head of the table a bit. How strange that I could feel all the swabs...hmmm... hoping the spinal's doing its job!
More action around me. My arms were being velcroed to the boards stemming from the table. Trays of tools were being wheeled up toward us. I really tried not to look at those!
Wonder if I can still move my feet. I tried, but it felt like it was definitely in slow motion...such a strange feeeling. At that point, I decided not to try anymore, so I wouldn't freak myself out!
The curtain was up, blocking my view of the surgery. I knew they had begun prepping me.
Did I just hear someone welcome Mike into the room? I tried to look toward the doorway, but there were too many nurses to see around.
Then I saw him...nothing can describe how great that was. We were together. He had on the mask, and the full OR outfit. Although I couldn't see much of his face, I knew that he was smiling. He sat down on the stool next to me and said, "This is it, babes."
A woozey and lightheaded feeling was hitting me big time. And they hadn' t even started surgery yet. Or so I thought.
"Will they be starting soon?" I asked one of the anesthesiology assistants who was standing near my head.
"Oh, they've started alright. You're open right now, sweetie," she told me with a laugh. I was glad to know that we were that much closer than what I realized.
A minor drawback of being awake for surgery--there was a lot I was trying to ignore so I wouldn't feel worse. But the smell of flesh or skin burning was about more than I could ignore.
Just breathe, Jenn....soon....she's coming soon...
"It'll be just a minute now," she told us.
Mike and I looked at each other again, in total and sheer excitement. He was holding the video camera up high, but not high enough to catch the surgery itself.
So much tugging and pulling, then pushing up high on my ribs.
I was waiting...waiting to hear the words. Any minute now...
***************************************************
Months ago, when we found out we were pregnant again, we asked people to pray for two specific things. The first was obviously for a healthy pregnancy this time. And the second... the second was for Mike and I to be together this time in the operating room, so we could hear our baby's first sweet little cry together.
Thank you, God. Both dreams were coming true...
***************************************************
I heard it right then. The most beautiful sound that ever reached my ears.... the sweet sound of a strong cry from our baby girl.
I didn't have to look up at Mike to know that we were both crying at that moment. So much to go through to get here, but this moment was worth it all.
I heard some aww-ing from some of the nearby nurses. I saw other nurses standing by the baby's bed, waiting for her.
Then I saw her...just a glimpse, but still I saw her. Saw a little foot sticking above the arm of the nurse carrying her to the bed. A glimpse of some chubby little legs. And dark hair? Did I see that? We knew she would have lots of dark hair!
Then I saw something equally as amazing... I saw Mike being a daddy. He was standing beside her with the video camera, soaking in his little girl.
More tears....that's what I had waited for for years....not to just be a Mommy myself, but to also get to see Mike be the Daddy that I know he's been longing to be. And here he is with her now... such a proud Daddy already, touching her and bending down to talk to her.
"Will they bring her over to me?" I asked.
"Yep, they'll wrap her and bring her over to ya here soon."
I couldn't wait. Couldn't wait to see her little face up close.
I was still trying to ignore the extreme light-headedness I was feeling.
The assistant told me, "Your blood pressure dropped pretty low, so we're giving you tons of fluids... and you'll feel much better once they put your insides back in..."
What?? Did I just hear that? Oh, no details please.
Just then I looked up to see Mike holding her, all wrapped and snug in his arms. Then he looked up and stepped toward me. I quickly asked the assistant if I could have one arm freed so I could touch her.
He lowered her down. Then I felt the softest little cheek next to mine. Heard some soft cries, and saw the cutest, chubbiest little face. I touched her soft skin and through my tears, I said the words that I had been waiting to say--
"Hey Baby Girl, I'm your Mama."
Mike had to leave then as they were finishing surgery and cleaning me up.
Everything still was happening so quickly. Soon they were done, and it was time for them to move me from the table back to the bed waiting nearby.
"You'll get to hold her as we take you both to recover in your room."
"I'm afraid I'll drop her...I feel like I can't move most of my body right now."
"No...we'll have her tucked in good with you. She won't go anywhere."
They brought her over and laid her in my arms.
Such a moment right there that I'll always remember. The moment where the years of waiting were no more. The exact moment where the past two years of loss and heartache turned to nothing but total joy. All washed away by our little dark-haired angel that I was holding in my arms. Tears just flowed quietly.
They wheeled us back to our room, and I knew what we would find there... Mike holding the video camera, welcoming his wife and daughter.
The nurses left, then it was the three of us. Mike and I just took in everything about her, and just held her tight. We were all smiles.
"She's here, babes...she's finally here," he said.
I just whispered back with a smile, "Yes, yes she is..."
Alexis Faith, we have eagerly waited for you with such perseverance. And even before we had the comfort of holding you, we trusted our Heavenly Father that He would lead us to this day. And now little girl, here you are...
Safe... in our arms.
"For we were saved in this hope. But hope that is seen is not hope. For why does one still hope for what he sees? But if we hope for what we do not see, we eagerly wait for it with perseverance." (Romans 8:24-25)
Friday, January 1, 2010
Happy New Beginnings!
Alexis Faith December 22, 2009
Born 37 weeks
8 pounds, 13 ounces
21 inches
Our Best Christmas Gift Ever!!
(Read below for Birth Story: Part I)
The Birth Story (Part I)
Last week, our lives changed forever...
The amnio from Monday did show our baby's lungs to be mature. We were then told to call in the next morning at 5:30 am to find out the open time for a c-section that day. We were so excited that night before, I don't think we slept a wink. We got to the hospital about 7 am, for my surgery scheduled for 9 am. Again, so eager, nervous, excited...knowing we'd be meeting our baby girl that day!
Our ride to the hospital was still in darkness, as it was so early. I couldn't help but remember an early morning two years ago, when we drove the same route, at the same time, for very different reasons. We drove then to say goodbye....now we were going to meet someone for the first time!
We got to labor and delivery, this time in all smiles. So many false labor trips and scary runs to the same department these past months, and now we were celebrating that we made it. I not only made it to my third trimester...but also made it to something that seemed like a luxury to me...a scheduled, planned surgery date.
Sinking in... we made it....thank you, God!
Remember that sidenote prayer request I mentioned before? The one how Mike and I dreamed to be in the OR together this time? We found out it was going to be a last minute decision that morning after the anesthesiologist met me and assessed my scholiosis. We were mentally prepared for that to go either way. He looked at my back, and said it would probably take more than one attempt for the spinal...he guessed five attempts to possibly find the right spot. FIVE attempts at sticking a giant needle into my spine?? Not the best news, but we were very relieved he was going to at least try.
Surgeon came in as well as the resident, introduced themselves, checked out my previous incision. Did the ultrasound to check location of placenta, etc...
We were getting closer...
They left and the nurse started the IV fluids. I was so excited, I could hardly stand it! She said the doctor was almost ready for me.
The anesthesiologist and a couple assistants came in to walk me down to the OR. Said goodbye and kissed Mike...hoping I'd see him in a few minutes.
The doctor took my arm and we made our way down the long hall toward the OR. Straight ahead at the end of the hall were the double doors which led to the NICU... a walk Mike and I took many times from where I stood.
Full circle.
I think I mentioned that in a previous post. Everyone says this must be so bittersweet for us. It's not, really. It's a feeling of every sorrow coming back around and ending in joy for us... a full circle of events.
We walked into the OR. I saw the window in the room the nurses used to hand Tyler into the NICU. More tears tried to come.... Come on, Jenn....surgery hasn't even started yet! Hold 'em back... Soo wished Mike was in there.
Time to try the spinal. Please, God, let this work. I sat up on the table, leaned forward...well as forward as possible with the giant beach ball of a belly I had. The anesthesiologist was pinching vertebraes to find the right placement. Little pinch from the shot used to numb the area.
Now time for the spinal.
Lean forward more, more...
More pinching.
Spinal needle going in. Sooo cold in that room. Stop shaking, Jenn! He's got to get this...
Done! He said he was sure he got the right spot. A few seconds, then tingling began in my toes.
They said Mike would be in soon!!
Ohhh, sweet relief! Thank you, Heavenly Father. The first part of our dream is coming true right now....
We would see our Baby Girl for the first time together.
(Part II coming shortly!)
The amnio from Monday did show our baby's lungs to be mature. We were then told to call in the next morning at 5:30 am to find out the open time for a c-section that day. We were so excited that night before, I don't think we slept a wink. We got to the hospital about 7 am, for my surgery scheduled for 9 am. Again, so eager, nervous, excited...knowing we'd be meeting our baby girl that day!
Our ride to the hospital was still in darkness, as it was so early. I couldn't help but remember an early morning two years ago, when we drove the same route, at the same time, for very different reasons. We drove then to say goodbye....now we were going to meet someone for the first time!
We got to labor and delivery, this time in all smiles. So many false labor trips and scary runs to the same department these past months, and now we were celebrating that we made it. I not only made it to my third trimester...but also made it to something that seemed like a luxury to me...a scheduled, planned surgery date.
Sinking in... we made it....thank you, God!
Remember that sidenote prayer request I mentioned before? The one how Mike and I dreamed to be in the OR together this time? We found out it was going to be a last minute decision that morning after the anesthesiologist met me and assessed my scholiosis. We were mentally prepared for that to go either way. He looked at my back, and said it would probably take more than one attempt for the spinal...he guessed five attempts to possibly find the right spot. FIVE attempts at sticking a giant needle into my spine?? Not the best news, but we were very relieved he was going to at least try.
Surgeon came in as well as the resident, introduced themselves, checked out my previous incision. Did the ultrasound to check location of placenta, etc...
We were getting closer...
They left and the nurse started the IV fluids. I was so excited, I could hardly stand it! She said the doctor was almost ready for me.
The anesthesiologist and a couple assistants came in to walk me down to the OR. Said goodbye and kissed Mike...hoping I'd see him in a few minutes.
The doctor took my arm and we made our way down the long hall toward the OR. Straight ahead at the end of the hall were the double doors which led to the NICU... a walk Mike and I took many times from where I stood.
Full circle.
I think I mentioned that in a previous post. Everyone says this must be so bittersweet for us. It's not, really. It's a feeling of every sorrow coming back around and ending in joy for us... a full circle of events.
We walked into the OR. I saw the window in the room the nurses used to hand Tyler into the NICU. More tears tried to come.... Come on, Jenn....surgery hasn't even started yet! Hold 'em back... Soo wished Mike was in there.
Time to try the spinal. Please, God, let this work. I sat up on the table, leaned forward...well as forward as possible with the giant beach ball of a belly I had. The anesthesiologist was pinching vertebraes to find the right placement. Little pinch from the shot used to numb the area.
Now time for the spinal.
Lean forward more, more...
More pinching.
Spinal needle going in. Sooo cold in that room. Stop shaking, Jenn! He's got to get this...
Done! He said he was sure he got the right spot. A few seconds, then tingling began in my toes.
They said Mike would be in soon!!
Ohhh, sweet relief! Thank you, Heavenly Father. The first part of our dream is coming true right now....
We would see our Baby Girl for the first time together.
(Part II coming shortly!)
Saturday, December 26, 2009
Never Forgotten, Little Man
Two years ago tonight,
this was the sunset the day Tyler passed away.
We love you so much, Tyler!
Always... Your Mommy and Daddy
Monday, December 21, 2009
Anticipation
Baby Girl,
You are our long-awaited miracle, a dream come true. How I have cherished your every movement, your every stretch and kick. Expecting you was a miracle in itself for me. Every ultrasound, every sound of your heartbeat captivated your Daddy and I and filled us with joy.
Every moment on bedrest, every trip to the hospital, every single contraction has been so worth it to see your sweet face. Do you know that friends and family prayed you here? To my 37th week I was never sure I'd see....the week we get to welcome you into our open arms. We cannot imagine how amazing that moment will be. Seeing you, touching you, hearing your first cry. So many treasured moments lie ahead that we have only dreamed about.
You are living proof that in all things, God has a plan. We couldn't have timed it any better. This week, we remembered losing your brother. But at the same time we anticipate the arrival of you. Thank you for being our joy that came after our sorrow.
A little gift from heaven, you are. We've prayed for you for years. And now we are just in awe that you will soon be here!! We are already soooo pround of you, Baby Girl, and can't wait to begin our lives with you!
Loving you so much already!!
We'll see you soon!
Mommy and Daddy
To all of you~ We found out that due to my scoliosis, I may not get to have a spinal/epidural. If that's the case, then I will have general anesthesia, which means Mike will not be in the OR with me. That has really been one of our dreams, to meet this baby at the same time. Please pray that as long as it's safe for her and me, that it will work out! Thanks so much for carrying us through with your prayers! Will update soon!! :)
You are our long-awaited miracle, a dream come true. How I have cherished your every movement, your every stretch and kick. Expecting you was a miracle in itself for me. Every ultrasound, every sound of your heartbeat captivated your Daddy and I and filled us with joy.
Every moment on bedrest, every trip to the hospital, every single contraction has been so worth it to see your sweet face. Do you know that friends and family prayed you here? To my 37th week I was never sure I'd see....the week we get to welcome you into our open arms. We cannot imagine how amazing that moment will be. Seeing you, touching you, hearing your first cry. So many treasured moments lie ahead that we have only dreamed about.
You are living proof that in all things, God has a plan. We couldn't have timed it any better. This week, we remembered losing your brother. But at the same time we anticipate the arrival of you. Thank you for being our joy that came after our sorrow.
A little gift from heaven, you are. We've prayed for you for years. And now we are just in awe that you will soon be here!! We are already soooo pround of you, Baby Girl, and can't wait to begin our lives with you!
Loving you so much already!!
We'll see you soon!
Mommy and Daddy
To all of you~ We found out that due to my scoliosis, I may not get to have a spinal/epidural. If that's the case, then I will have general anesthesia, which means Mike will not be in the OR with me. That has really been one of our dreams, to meet this baby at the same time. Please pray that as long as it's safe for her and me, that it will work out! Thanks so much for carrying us through with your prayers! Will update soon!! :)
Sunday, December 20, 2009
Who Inspiires Me, You Ask?
Well, I'll tell ya. Ever since finding out about needing an amnio, I've been VERY nervous about it. Just because I am soooooo not a needles person. I've gotten so many blood tests and shots over the past years, and I have NEVER once looked at that needle! So the thought of an amnio needle piercing my belly and uterus just does not sound like a fun time.
So knowing that my amnio is in the morning, I have very much been anxious tonight just thinking about it. I know God has brought us this far, but still...I am human and yes, things like this scare me. (I know some Christians believe that Christians should never have fear, but I don't believe that....it's what you do with that fear that matters. Do you hold onto it, or let it go to the One that can take care of it.)
Anyway, so tonight I frankly had that "I'm gonna crap my pants" feeling just thinking about this amnio. Stupid and silly I know. Mike was talking with me and had just said a prayer for us that all would go well this week, then what happened right on cue?? Got a text from my sis Missy. Here's what it said--
"I'm praying for the Lord to fill your heart with so much peace! I KNOW you will do fine. I love you!"
Even before tonight I have thought many times about the MANY appointments, procedures and so-not-fun events she had to walk though...and she did it BRAVELY with no whining and complaining.
So this stupid little needle thing I'm doing tomorrow is really a walk in the park. If she can so bravely venture into transplants, chemo treatments, and appointments holding unknown news, then I can surely just get a grip and gather up a fraction of the courage she has.
That's a sister for ya...or better yet, that's MY sister for ya. SO thankful for both of them!
So knowing that my amnio is in the morning, I have very much been anxious tonight just thinking about it. I know God has brought us this far, but still...I am human and yes, things like this scare me. (I know some Christians believe that Christians should never have fear, but I don't believe that....it's what you do with that fear that matters. Do you hold onto it, or let it go to the One that can take care of it.)
Anyway, so tonight I frankly had that "I'm gonna crap my pants" feeling just thinking about this amnio. Stupid and silly I know. Mike was talking with me and had just said a prayer for us that all would go well this week, then what happened right on cue?? Got a text from my sis Missy. Here's what it said--
"I'm praying for the Lord to fill your heart with so much peace! I KNOW you will do fine. I love you!"
Even before tonight I have thought many times about the MANY appointments, procedures and so-not-fun events she had to walk though...and she did it BRAVELY with no whining and complaining.
So this stupid little needle thing I'm doing tomorrow is really a walk in the park. If she can so bravely venture into transplants, chemo treatments, and appointments holding unknown news, then I can surely just get a grip and gather up a fraction of the courage she has.
That's a sister for ya...or better yet, that's MY sister for ya. SO thankful for both of them!
Happy 2nd Birthday, Tyler Michael
Tonight after Mike and I got home from visiting his parents, I asked him what time it was. "12:13," he said. Then he rounded the corner to come back toward me in the living room, and he silently just took my hand. This was the exact minute of Tyler's 2nd birthday. We were already standing right there, in front of his picture on the wall. We both said a few words to him, wishing him a happy 2nd birthday and telling him we missed him.
Missing him will never stop. Soon after we lost him, we prayed something. We felt like we were never going to get away from that sick, drowning in sorrow feeling when we thought of him. So we prayed that we'd be able to remember him with joy and smiles and not just pure heartache. It took a while, but we've slowly been able to do that.
Every little memory will be with us forever, and although our hearts still ache as we miss him, our hearts smile at the same time as our memeories walk us through those six days.
We are still just so thankful for our time with him and thankful for the healing that God has brough us these past two years.
And I can't help but think that just maybe...by our baby girl coming the same week that he did, that it's the extra measure of healing and grace that God planned for us all along.
Tyler~ Happy 2nd birthday, Baby Boy. Our hearts ache for you to be here home with us, but we know that truly...you are Home. We will tell your baby sister about you, and we'll never forget you. Thank you for being the first one to make us a proud Mommy and Daddy.
Forever Loving You~ Daddy, Mommy and Your Baby Sister
Be looking soon for my 37 week post and possibly the last post before little girl's arrival!
Sunday, December 6, 2009
Days of December
Remember this ornament? Some of you may remember that this was an ornament given to us in memory of Tyler, the week that he was born and passed away, two years ago now.
A year ago to the day, I wrote a post that was also entitled "The Days of December." Oh, how much can change within a year. So much in December still takes us quickly back to memories of Tyler. The sight of twinkling Christmas lights and softly falling snow...and the sounds of Christmas music filling the air. In the past couple years, those things met us with deep sorrow as Christmas week was the time of both Tyler's birth and passing. Then later, they came on waves of sadness that were mixed with joy as we remembered those six days spent with our sweet son. And now, these December days...every chill in the air and every reminder of Christmas bring something different.
Mike and I always knew that if we were blessed with any future children, we would talk each year about Tyler as we hung up his ornament. We knew that was one way we could keep his memory alive in our family. Just this week, as we were hanging up that special ornament, we told this baby about her older brother. We told her how we love them both so much. So now it's a time of the memeories of Tyler merging with the complete joy of anticipating the arrival of our little girl.
And more news we have found out... We found out that her scheduled arrival will be the week of Christmas. Timing could not be any sweeter than that. And this is just one of many examples of the bond shared between this baby and her brother. Tyler's birthday falls on Sunday, December 20th. Sometime that week, they will schedule an amnio, then my C-Section, just days after Tyler's birthday. It is also an awesome reminder of a promise Mike and I have held onto for years now...that "sorrow may last for a day, but joy will come in the morning." We have both found ourselves in tears, just picturing that day we get to see her, face to face. Oh, what a sweet day that will be!
So let me tell you...whatever your sorrow, whatever your pain. Hold on, my friends. It may take years to get there, enduring circumstances we may never understand, but please believe one thing that God can do for you...
Your complete joy will come again someday.
We are living examples of that!
"...weeping may remain for a night, but rejoicing comes in the morning." Psalm 30:5
Saturday, December 5, 2009
What?? 35 Weeks?!!!
Wow, how these weeks have flown by! LOTS to update you on, so get ready!! And now...I am 35 weeks! As always, with every weekly milestone, I am SO happy to be here with our baby girl! We thank God for each new day that we are given with our baby girl!
We just celebrated wonderful news at Thanksgiving... that I was 34 weeks, AND also that my sister received awesome news that week. She first found out that she was finally matched with TWO donors-- the cord blood of two babies. How thankful we are those parents decided to donate that. Also, she found out the results of her PET scan showed BOTH the size and activity of her cancer to have decreased. That is the first time ever that both decreased. Yes, lots to be thankful for that week!
Lately my days are either quite relaxed while I am just lying back and loving every moment. Her movements have changed from those brief flutters to later feeling quick flips and quick slides across my belly, to now....they are mostly just slow glides of her feet that I can literally see go across my belly. I also love to imagine what she will look like. Now, if I am not kicked back and relaxed enjoying those moments, I am probably feeling crunch time coming on... feeling the hectic craziness of everything that I need to do yet...that "running around like a chicken with it's head cut off" feeling. And it would be a very pregnant chicken running around. How's that for a visual of me right now, huh?
I found out the other day that just as I have been, Mike has also been picturing her to have lots of dark hair. At our recent ultrasound this week, the ultrasound tech pointed out the many tips of hair you could see encircling her entire head. It'll be so fun to actually see her and not just imagine her looks! We also had a growth scan on the baby that day. Through ultrasound, they measure the circumference of her head and belly, and the lengths of her humerus and femur. It gives an estimate of her weight. We were expecting her to be slightly above average as she has been, but I'm guessing this girl really enjoyed Thanksgiving dinner! Mike guessed her to be 5 pounds, 14 ounces; I guessed her to be an even six pounds. She is actually pushing 7 pounds already at 35 weeks! Poor girl....already has people tracking her weight for her.
No fat jokes about her, please. ;)
I do have to say I am happy to be having a C-Section!
We just celebrated wonderful news at Thanksgiving... that I was 34 weeks, AND also that my sister received awesome news that week. She first found out that she was finally matched with TWO donors-- the cord blood of two babies. How thankful we are those parents decided to donate that. Also, she found out the results of her PET scan showed BOTH the size and activity of her cancer to have decreased. That is the first time ever that both decreased. Yes, lots to be thankful for that week!
Lately my days are either quite relaxed while I am just lying back and loving every moment. Her movements have changed from those brief flutters to later feeling quick flips and quick slides across my belly, to now....they are mostly just slow glides of her feet that I can literally see go across my belly. I also love to imagine what she will look like. Now, if I am not kicked back and relaxed enjoying those moments, I am probably feeling crunch time coming on... feeling the hectic craziness of everything that I need to do yet...that "running around like a chicken with it's head cut off" feeling. And it would be a very pregnant chicken running around. How's that for a visual of me right now, huh?
I found out the other day that just as I have been, Mike has also been picturing her to have lots of dark hair. At our recent ultrasound this week, the ultrasound tech pointed out the many tips of hair you could see encircling her entire head. It'll be so fun to actually see her and not just imagine her looks! We also had a growth scan on the baby that day. Through ultrasound, they measure the circumference of her head and belly, and the lengths of her humerus and femur. It gives an estimate of her weight. We were expecting her to be slightly above average as she has been, but I'm guessing this girl really enjoyed Thanksgiving dinner! Mike guessed her to be 5 pounds, 14 ounces; I guessed her to be an even six pounds. She is actually pushing 7 pounds already at 35 weeks! Poor girl....already has people tracking her weight for her.
No fat jokes about her, please. ;)
I do have to say I am happy to be having a C-Section!
Wednesday, November 25, 2009
And MORE Good News!!
My sis just posted even MORE good news on her blog today! I won't even try to summarize it...she does the best job! All I can say is "Thank You, God!!!"
This will be my family's best Thanksgiving yet...
This will be my family's best Thanksgiving yet...
Tuesday, November 24, 2009
Saturday, November 21, 2009
My Sister Melissa
Many of you are also following my sister Melissa's story. She has been undergoing treatments for her Non-Hodgkin's Lymphoma since her diagnosis in March of 2008. She underwent a stem cell transplant last winter using her own stem cells, which was unsuccessful. She is currently waiting to be matched with a stem cell donor. In the meantime, she has recently been receiving a couple rounds of a chemo regimen not tried yet.
This is why I'm posting this.
Today, there will be no announcing from me about my pregnancy week, and no baby updates. I'd like for us all to focus our thoughts and prayers toward her right now.
This Tuesday, at 8:45 am, she will be having a PET scan. It is so important for the results to show that this chemo is improving her condition. If it does, then she will be able to return to New York City to continue treatment with her new doctor there. If it does not show improvement, I am not sure of the available options at that point.
I can't say this enough, as I'm sure many of you cannot either... Please pray for a miracle for her. She wants a long life with her family...her precious little ones...and they need her as well. We all need her, and want that for her.
We are standing firm in believing that God can do this for her. Please join us now as we pray specifically for this upcoming scan. Will update next week, but sometimes it takes a day or so for the scan to be read by the doctor.
Thanks MORE than words from all of us!
Her Sister, Jenn
This is why I'm posting this.
Today, there will be no announcing from me about my pregnancy week, and no baby updates. I'd like for us all to focus our thoughts and prayers toward her right now.
This Tuesday, at 8:45 am, she will be having a PET scan. It is so important for the results to show that this chemo is improving her condition. If it does, then she will be able to return to New York City to continue treatment with her new doctor there. If it does not show improvement, I am not sure of the available options at that point.
I can't say this enough, as I'm sure many of you cannot either... Please pray for a miracle for her. She wants a long life with her family...her precious little ones...and they need her as well. We all need her, and want that for her.
We are standing firm in believing that God can do this for her. Please join us now as we pray specifically for this upcoming scan. Will update next week, but sometimes it takes a day or so for the scan to be read by the doctor.
Thanks MORE than words from all of us!
Her Sister, Jenn
Melissa holding her cute little visitor, Josiah.
Sunday, November 15, 2009
And now....
We are 32 weeks along!! I remember the days of just dreaming of being in this week. Thank you, God for bringing us here! Each and every week is such a milestone and a celebration, and will be until we are holding our little girl safely in our arms!
This week I am especially grateful for the many people who have offered to loan me baby supplies. Just this week, a couple friends passed on a load of stuff that will really help us to have when the baby comes. THANK YOU!!!
And there is my beautiful sister Melissa who passed on literally an entire wardrobe for the baby. You would never believe that they were already worn by her two little girls! Miss just took such immaculate care of them, which is such a bonus. Thank you, awesome sister!
So my next goal now is 34 weeks. It still helps me to break it up like that. I still have contractions every day, some seeming a bit stronger than what I've had. We would appreciate your continued prayers that they stay at bay, while the baby stays put as long as possible!
Thank you SO much, as always!!!
Jenn, Mike, and Baby Girl
This week I am especially grateful for the many people who have offered to loan me baby supplies. Just this week, a couple friends passed on a load of stuff that will really help us to have when the baby comes. THANK YOU!!!
And there is my beautiful sister Melissa who passed on literally an entire wardrobe for the baby. You would never believe that they were already worn by her two little girls! Miss just took such immaculate care of them, which is such a bonus. Thank you, awesome sister!
So my next goal now is 34 weeks. It still helps me to break it up like that. I still have contractions every day, some seeming a bit stronger than what I've had. We would appreciate your continued prayers that they stay at bay, while the baby stays put as long as possible!
Thank you SO much, as always!!!
Jenn, Mike, and Baby Girl
Sunday, November 8, 2009
31 Weeks and a Few Thoughts...
First off, I apologize for not posting sooner! I know there are many of you who communicate your prayers to me as you follow our story, and I so appreciate that! Although I've had contractions every day since about 17 weeks, I've noticed them a bit more often than usual lately. Because of that, I've had to try to lay low as much as possible. Good news is that Mike recently brought our laptop home now that his football season is over at school, so I should be able to update more often now.
I am SO happy to be 31 weeks now!! I am still loving every minute of it! What used to feel like little kicks and flutters has now turned into roll and slide movements from one side of my belly to the other. I felt her stretch the other day, with her hands jabbing one side, and her feet nearly poking out of the other side. (It helps me identify which end is which when she has the hiccups.) Yesterday, she was moving so forcefully that Mike and I saw something little stick out of my belly about an inch or so, slide across, and repeating. We actually thought that was a little freaky, like something from the "Alien" movie! We are enjoying it all!
Some of you have asked about my due date. I'm due January 9th. It will be a c-section since I had one before. Please pray that I can make it to that time without any complications from contractions, etc... Another prayer request is about a dream Mike and I have had...to get to be in the operating room together, with me awake, and meet our little girl together for that first time. We would really appreciate your prayers for those two thingn.
We are really getting excited just thinking about meeting her, and we are just so thankful to be where we are now. God has really shown us a lot through all this, and I look forward to sharing that with you as we go along.
One of those things is actually something I learned soon after we lost Tyler. I would hear some people say that they are so blessed, as they seemed to have everything going right in their lives. (Not specific people, just in general.) Which gave me the question, "Am I not blessed? And those like me who have lost a child or are struggling..are we all just forgotten or overlooked?" But the truth really is that we are all blessed no matter what is going on in our lives. Sometimes, the clouds grow thick and cause those blessings to be more difficult to see, but they are still there.
I learned then that true thankfullness for life's blessings should happen no matter how discouraging our circumstances are. It doesn't mean it is easy to recognize or that we need to smile as we go through hard times. I just believe that God loves us each the same, and not one person is more lavishly blessed than another. Our blessings and our circumstances may just be different from what we hoped or expected. I just can't imagine that God has tiered levels where he places us to receive varying amounts of goodness. The goodness is always there...He just has to open our eyes enough to see the big picture.
Mike and I realized at our son's funeral that we were so blessed to have him, if even for six days. Were we smiling and happy to be at the funeral? No way! I remember feeling as though I was totally drowning in sorrow. But still, we knew our time with him would forever be a blessing.
So again now with our baby girl, we say we are soo thankful for the blessing that she is too. Sooooo thankful more than words can say!
We are also thankful for you for following our story, and for your prayers for all of us!
(This post is where I first talked about this idea of "Thankfullness, In All Times." I have a feeling it will explain these thoughts a lot more clearly.)
I am SO happy to be 31 weeks now!! I am still loving every minute of it! What used to feel like little kicks and flutters has now turned into roll and slide movements from one side of my belly to the other. I felt her stretch the other day, with her hands jabbing one side, and her feet nearly poking out of the other side. (It helps me identify which end is which when she has the hiccups.) Yesterday, she was moving so forcefully that Mike and I saw something little stick out of my belly about an inch or so, slide across, and repeating. We actually thought that was a little freaky, like something from the "Alien" movie! We are enjoying it all!
Some of you have asked about my due date. I'm due January 9th. It will be a c-section since I had one before. Please pray that I can make it to that time without any complications from contractions, etc... Another prayer request is about a dream Mike and I have had...to get to be in the operating room together, with me awake, and meet our little girl together for that first time. We would really appreciate your prayers for those two thingn.
We are really getting excited just thinking about meeting her, and we are just so thankful to be where we are now. God has really shown us a lot through all this, and I look forward to sharing that with you as we go along.
One of those things is actually something I learned soon after we lost Tyler. I would hear some people say that they are so blessed, as they seemed to have everything going right in their lives. (Not specific people, just in general.) Which gave me the question, "Am I not blessed? And those like me who have lost a child or are struggling..are we all just forgotten or overlooked?" But the truth really is that we are all blessed no matter what is going on in our lives. Sometimes, the clouds grow thick and cause those blessings to be more difficult to see, but they are still there.
I learned then that true thankfullness for life's blessings should happen no matter how discouraging our circumstances are. It doesn't mean it is easy to recognize or that we need to smile as we go through hard times. I just believe that God loves us each the same, and not one person is more lavishly blessed than another. Our blessings and our circumstances may just be different from what we hoped or expected. I just can't imagine that God has tiered levels where he places us to receive varying amounts of goodness. The goodness is always there...He just has to open our eyes enough to see the big picture.
Mike and I realized at our son's funeral that we were so blessed to have him, if even for six days. Were we smiling and happy to be at the funeral? No way! I remember feeling as though I was totally drowning in sorrow. But still, we knew our time with him would forever be a blessing.
So again now with our baby girl, we say we are soo thankful for the blessing that she is too. Sooooo thankful more than words can say!
We are also thankful for you for following our story, and for your prayers for all of us!
(This post is where I first talked about this idea of "Thankfullness, In All Times." I have a feeling it will explain these thoughts a lot more clearly.)
Saturday, October 17, 2009
Guess What??
Today I'm exactly 28 weeks! Whooo-hoooo!!!!
That means 90% chance survival rate, and less than 20% chance that anything would be wrong with her if she would be born right now. (Which she won't be!)
Many of you knew that 28 weeks was the next milestone that I've been shooting for, so I am SOOOO thankful to be here!
This also means that for the first time ever, I am now in the THIRD TRIMESTER of pregnancy! LOVE it!
Mike and I have really loved feeling her move late at night lately. Actually, forget feeling, we can see her move and roll just by watching my belly. We are amazed at how active and on-the-move she is when she's awake. Last night, I laughed and said I thought she might have "restless leg syndrome." :) Or maybe Daddy's ADHD. (He does't really have that, although I've diagnosed him with it! ;)
So here's to the THIRD TRIMESTER!! Thanks for your prayers and to God for getting us this far. We would appreciate your prayers for continued safety for both this baby and myself. Ideas are also being tossed around about how and when the next c-section should be scheduled. There are a lot of factors that go into it, so we would also really appreciate prayers for that as well!
Thanks and love to all!
(Love this song, by the way...can you hear it? Although she will never be "the only one." Tyler will always be a part of our family too.)
That means 90% chance survival rate, and less than 20% chance that anything would be wrong with her if she would be born right now. (Which she won't be!)
Many of you knew that 28 weeks was the next milestone that I've been shooting for, so I am SOOOO thankful to be here!
This also means that for the first time ever, I am now in the THIRD TRIMESTER of pregnancy! LOVE it!
Mike and I have really loved feeling her move late at night lately. Actually, forget feeling, we can see her move and roll just by watching my belly. We are amazed at how active and on-the-move she is when she's awake. Last night, I laughed and said I thought she might have "restless leg syndrome." :) Or maybe Daddy's ADHD. (He does't really have that, although I've diagnosed him with it! ;)
So here's to the THIRD TRIMESTER!! Thanks for your prayers and to God for getting us this far. We would appreciate your prayers for continued safety for both this baby and myself. Ideas are also being tossed around about how and when the next c-section should be scheduled. There are a lot of factors that go into it, so we would also really appreciate prayers for that as well!
Thanks and love to all!
(Love this song, by the way...can you hear it? Although she will never be "the only one." Tyler will always be a part of our family too.)
Wednesday, September 30, 2009
Our Baby Girl
I am so happy to get to share this picture with all of you! Words can't even describe how amazing it is to see her on the screen during the ultrasounds. Yesterday, Mike and I just held hands and laughed as we watched her wiggle and squirm in 4-D during the appointment. She has already brought us SO much joy, and we thank God every day for that!
And I have to give a big thank you to our friend Jen, who is also my sister Melissa's neighbor, who so kindly and creatively designed the above picture. Thank you, Jen!
Wednesday, September 23, 2009
This Moment
I have been savoring the many precious moments I have had so far with this Baby Girl of mine. From the moment I found about I was expecting her, to the unforgettable moments we shared the joy of that news with our family and friends. Then the moments of the pregnancy becoming real...feeling the nausea and the extra tiredness; yes, I even treasure those moments. Then the AMAZING times of feeling her move and kick so early at 14 weeks, followed by that exciting moment where we watched the ultrasound screen to see if we were having another son or a daughter.
And we found out it was you, Baby Girl. And we've been calling you by name since...
Soon following were the down moments as well, trips to the hospital due to hyperemisis and contractions; but even in that there was still the good. Hearing her amazingly strong heartbeat on the monitor that sounded like a horse galloping through the hospital room. It was worth the trip for me just to hear that.
And then recently, there was the follow-up appointment to check on what-appeared to have been my premature shortening cervix. During that appt, a friend of mine held my hand and I know she was silently praying with me for good news while we waited.
And good news we got that day. All was well- Thank you, God.
But right now, this is such a special moment as I type this for a completely different reason.
Last pregnancy, our precious baby boy Tyler was born while I was 24 weeks and 5 days pregnant, at 12:13 am.
I started writing this as I am 24 weeks, 5 days pregnant, at 12:14 am.
I have prayed for this moment.
Right now, with each passing second, minute and hour, I am further along than I have ever been...and I expect to keep treading these new waters in my pregancy in the next weeks and months.
I am in a place in my pregnancy where I have never been before, and I am SO happy to be here.
SO happy for this moment...
And so thankful to the God who has brought me here.
"Dear Lord, thank you for this moment. Please continue to protect this little girl of mine and keep her safe inside of me. Protect my body until it is safe for her to join us, and live a healthy life with us. Tell Tyler we love him. Amen."
And we found out it was you, Baby Girl. And we've been calling you by name since...
Soon following were the down moments as well, trips to the hospital due to hyperemisis and contractions; but even in that there was still the good. Hearing her amazingly strong heartbeat on the monitor that sounded like a horse galloping through the hospital room. It was worth the trip for me just to hear that.
And then recently, there was the follow-up appointment to check on what-appeared to have been my premature shortening cervix. During that appt, a friend of mine held my hand and I know she was silently praying with me for good news while we waited.
And good news we got that day. All was well- Thank you, God.
But right now, this is such a special moment as I type this for a completely different reason.
Last pregnancy, our precious baby boy Tyler was born while I was 24 weeks and 5 days pregnant, at 12:13 am.
I started writing this as I am 24 weeks, 5 days pregnant, at 12:14 am.
I have prayed for this moment.
Right now, with each passing second, minute and hour, I am further along than I have ever been...and I expect to keep treading these new waters in my pregancy in the next weeks and months.
I am in a place in my pregnancy where I have never been before, and I am SO happy to be here.
SO happy for this moment...
And so thankful to the God who has brought me here.
"Dear Lord, thank you for this moment. Please continue to protect this little girl of mine and keep her safe inside of me. Protect my body until it is safe for her to join us, and live a healthy life with us. Tell Tyler we love him. Amen."
Sunday, September 20, 2009
Good news!
Sorry this update has taken me so long to post! I don't do much sitting up these days, and Mike needs the laptop at school for football during the week...
Anyway! I was so anxious for that appointment...had NO idea what news I might hear. Before checking measurements, the ultrasoumd tech checked the baby out first. She looked SOOO cute, and I have the sweetest 4-D ultrasoumd picture of her little face. That part was very emotional for me!
Then the ultrasound tech checked measurements, and all checked out fine after all!! Thank you, thank you, thank you, God!!! Can't tell you how relieved I was to hear that. That relief will not even compare to the relief I will feel when Baby Girl is safely here though!
So, I'm officially 24 weeks now! My next goal is to get to 28 weeks. Please help to pray us there!
Thank you so much for your prayers, thoughts, and support!!!
Anyway! I was so anxious for that appointment...had NO idea what news I might hear. Before checking measurements, the ultrasoumd tech checked the baby out first. She looked SOOO cute, and I have the sweetest 4-D ultrasoumd picture of her little face. That part was very emotional for me!
Then the ultrasound tech checked measurements, and all checked out fine after all!! Thank you, thank you, thank you, God!!! Can't tell you how relieved I was to hear that. That relief will not even compare to the relief I will feel when Baby Girl is safely here though!
So, I'm officially 24 weeks now! My next goal is to get to 28 weeks. Please help to pray us there!
Thank you so much for your prayers, thoughts, and support!!!
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