The Days of December

Tyler's Ornament: Given December 2007

I can't believe so much time has gone by since I've written on this blog, and even more so, I can't believe that it is December already....and nearing the one year birthday and anniversary of the passing of my baby boy. In some ways it feels like it was yesterday, and it some ways it feels like a lifetime ago.

In losing a child, you don't just grieve the time you had together, you grieve all the moments that you'll never have. That's what makes grieving a lifelong process. There will always be moments when I think "Tyler would have been here."

I have really been okay with my friends' babies, and with holding them, and being sincerely happy for them. It's the random things that get me sometimes. Like walking through Old Navy and spotting that baby blue section that I used to browse. Or being in a grocery store and hearing a baby cry from 5 aisles away...the sound almost haunts me.

And now in December, it's the crisp cold air that brings his memories back even more. It's the twinkle of a Christmas light and the smell of our woodstove that bring back that ache in my heart and remind me of what I once had.

And in case you may wonder, with his anniversary approaching...you may feel at a loss for what to do. You can do or say whatever you're comfortable with...no one needs to feel like they need magic words for me. I'm okay with people talking to me about him. I'm always okay with that. I may not always be in the mood for a question though or a "how are you dealing with things." It's nothing personal...although I enjoy talking and sharing about him, sometimes questions force you to process something that a statement does not. I appreciate though any words of remembrance, thoughts or prayers that people have offered recently. It lets me know that he has not been forgotten...as that's my fear that he will be.

There has been so much on my heart and mind that I would like to write about on here. So many moments of healing, so many things I've learned, and so many moments that I've just missed my little boy. But mostly, it's the learning to let go of the pain, and instead holding on more tightly to the joy of the moments. It's been about the moving on from the "what-if's" and the "why's" and just letting the peace of God fill those spaces instead. It's been about me choosing to believe in the dark what I had always known in the light.

I have told a lot of his story on here, but I have yet to tell the story of "Six Days." It's taken me a while, but I'd like to give a bigger glimpse of our unforgettable time with him. I know all this may feel heavy to read, but it will be from my heart...and I don't know any other way to tell it.