Cherish

Baby boy,

As we inch closer to your due date this week of April 4th, this is what I will remember and hold onto...

I will forever be thankful that I was able to experience pregnancy... and all of its beautiful moments. How thankful am I that I had the joy of feeling you move for the first time. And even though you somehow always dodged Daddy's hand, Daddy finally felt you move too when we were in the hospital. I am so thankful for the moment when I first heard the most beautiful sound of your beating heart. I am so thankful for the memory of holding Daddy's hand in utter excitement as we saw on the ultrasound that we were expecting a little boy. I am so thankful for every moment of seeing you, touching you, feeling your strong grasp. I am so thankful for the chance to soothe my own crying child. I am so thankful for our sweet and sacred time of holding you as your spirit flew away and went to heaven. Every moment of those six months and six days...

For all of these things, I will ALWAYS be thankful...

and will forever cherish you.

"Before I held you in my arms, I held you in my heart.

That is where you began, and where you will always be."

(author unknown)

Be Inspired By the Lawrenson Family

Need some major inspiration?
Visit http://www.cfhusband.blogspot.com/. Please pray for this beautiful family...and specifically that Tricia will get the lungs soon that she needs to survive. Their example has encouraged me to trust God more unconditionally, and to know there is a purpose for this place to which He has brought us.

Choosing to Believe

It's in these times, that my emotions and my fears make it hard to have hope for a future family. That's when I have to make a mental choice... to choose to believe... to choose to have hope. So many people have encouraged me by saying they truly do believe that we will have children again someday. I know God is really the only one that truly knows, but still, I receive strength from that encouragement. Just in the past day, I've heard it a few times... even once from someone who commented here. Someone I don't even know, but I thank you just the same. Thank you all for believing at a time when it is really hard for me to believe that.

He Will Carry Me

I heard this song today as I was driving the 8 hour trip back from my sister's house. It was good timing for me. If you've also been wounded in the battle, I hope you feel Him carrying you too.

He Will Carry Me (sung by Mark Schultz)

I call, You hear me
I’ve lost it all
And it’s more than I can bear
I feel so empty
You’re strong I’m weary
I’m holdin’ on
But I feel like givin’ in
But still You’re with me

And even though I’m walkin’ through
The valley of the shadow
I will hold tight to the hand of Him
Whose love will comfort me
And when all hope is gone
And I’ve been wounded in the battle
He is all the strength that I will ever need
And He will carry me

I know I’m broken
But You alone can mend this heart of mine
You’re always with me

And even though I feel so lonely
Like I’ve never been before
You never said it would be easy
But You said you’d see me through the storm

Is there cereal in heaven?

So without even intending to, my heart and mind pick right back up where I left off before the health scare with my sister. I've once again become very aware that this is the time that I would be welcoming my little boy home from the hospital. Tonight I was having a major sob moment about it. I was sitting in the bathroom talking with my sister as she cleaned up the "battle debris" of bath time. I tried to tell my sister through the sobs how tired I am of wondering if I will ever have a baby. "It's been years," I said, "and we came so close." (yeah, at this point I try to not even count, but it's been almost 4 years.) At that moment, my little 4-year old nephew Caleb opened the door and came in, soon followed by 2-year old Lauren. They both just looked at me wide-eyed, then we had the following conversation:

Caleb: Wha'd ya do, Aunt Jenn? (Miss and I laughed, realizing it looked like I got in trouble and was put in time out.) Why ya cryin'?

Me: I'm just sad. That's all, Caleb.

Caleb: Why you sad?

Me: Because I miss my baby Tyler. (The kids know all about him from Miss.)

Caleb: Why you miss him?

Me: Because he's in heaven now, and he's not with me. (I'm still trying to stop crying through this conversation at this point.)

Caleb: Tywer (Tyler) will come back to see you though?

Me: No, not anymore, sweetie.

Caleb: But Aunt Jenn, Tywer's with Jesus now?

Me: Yep, he's with Jesus.

Caleb: Oh. Is there cereal in heaven?

Me: Oh, I'm sure there's all kinds of yummy cereal in heaven.

Caleb: Are there wights (lights) in heaven too? (Apparantly he's afraid of the dark these days.)

Me: Yes, there are beautiful lights in heaven.

After that, cute Caleb just nodded, grabbed his toy, and exited the room. My neice, however, stuck around and dabbed at my tears with a washcloth. Too sweet. Oh, to be able to think with the simple mind of a child. Baby "Tywer" is with Jesus... he has cereal and lights, and somehow that was all Caleb needed to know. But for me, at this moment, my heart still gapes open.

Thank you, Caleb and Lauren, for being your cute, sweet selves. Aunt Jenn loves you both.

Good news!

Mayo Clinic said there's no evidence of cancer cells in the tumor! They do want to do more testing though and will either do another biopsy or surgery. Surgery is not my sister's top choice, as the procedure would be like an open-heart surgery with a big recovery time. Mayo also said that it is acute and chronic inflammation with fibrosis. I think... in other words... there was an infection, inflammation, making the tumor. Thanks for your thoughts and prayers!

Monday's the Day...

of sadness or celebration--but either way, it will be with complete trust in God. I found out today that we will definitely find out on Monday whether or not my sister's tumor is cancer or not. Again, we would sooo appreciate your prayers about this!! It's the uncertainty and fear of the unknown that is so scarey, and so we place it in the hands of the One who does know. I always have to remind myself the second part we often leave out of trusting is to also do the resting. If we say we do trust God's plan for our lives, then we must hand it completely to Him and not worry about it. Sooooo much easier said than done. Trust and Rest. So I'm telling myself now...Rest in knowing that whatever the answer is, it will somehow be the best thing. But am I still wholeheartedly putting in my request to the Lord?? You bet!

Happy 3-Month Birthday, Sweet Baby

Baby Boy~

It is hard to believe that it has been 3 whole months since the first time we heard your sweet cry. What we would give to hear that again... but that is selfish on our part, for you are in the best place right now. You are in heaven, and we are here...so very far away from you. But still, we hold you forever in our hearts, where you will always be. And still, we thank God for every precious moment we had with you. You will always be our miracle, Baby Boy.

We love you~ Mommy and Daddy

An Update...My Sister

I found out that my sister's biopsy was actually sent to Mayo Clinic for diagnosis, so results will not be back until Friday at the earliest and possibly not until next week. The hospital did take a "quick look" at it, and they thought it looked cancer-free, but that is not definite. Also, they were not sure what the mass is at all. Yes, it's all very confusing, I know. If Mayo says it's not cancer, and they still can't identify what it is, then they still have to do surgery on her to look at it and, I believe, remove it at the same time. Here's the tricky part-- the tumor is right between her right lung and her heart. So surgery means basically the same opening-up procedure involved with open-heart surgery. Please pray that news will continue to be that it is not cancer, and that they will be able to identify it so that surgery is not needed. Also, she seems to be in some pain and is very sick and weak from everything.

Again, wish ya knew my sister. Some of you do. Think of the most genuine, most sincere, sweetest, most fun person you've ever met, and that's her. I wish I were half the person she is. She is my mother through and through. My older sister and I usually just laugh and say, "Yep, Miss has that angelic quality that we seem to be missing." All in sisterly fun.

A few moments from this trip that I'll never forget...

* When I first saw Miss in the hospital, she hugged us with that beautiful, sweet smile of hers.
* Seeing her sit up so that she could hold her Baby Audrey for a minute.
* Watching her tonight sing "The Itsy Bitsy Spider" to her.
* Hearing Miss thank little Audrey for that little smile she gave her mommy.
* Knowing that I'd be blessed to be half the awesome mother she is...
* I helped her get into bed tonight. She just seems so sick and frail right now. I wanted to pray with her, so I asked her exactly where the tumor was. She silently raised her hand to
her heart, over slightly to the right. I placed my hand there and prayed--

"Dear Lord, please heal her now. Please take away whatever is wrong, and make her well. God, I love her so much. She is a blessing to us all. Please give us all strength and peace right now..."

Please join me in this prayer... we would appreciate it so much!

Keep Praying for My Sister...

Yesterday, my sister had an MRI. This basically confirmed that it is a tumor/mass in her chest cavity. She had a biopsy done right after, but unfortunately we won't have those results until sometime Wednesday. We are all waiting very anxiously and are very, very scared. Please keep praying that this is nothing serious. I know she would really appreciate it!

Pray for my Sister

We don't have much information now, but my parents just called and said that my sister has been taken to the ER. She has pneumonia, but in the chest x-ray they also found a mass on her lung. They're doing a biopsy on it now. Her bloodwork also indicates that she may have a blood clot somewhere. She is my younger sister and is only 31. Please pray for her that they'll find out quickly what it is, and that it will be nothing life threatening after all! She lives 8 hrs from us, so Mike and I are packed and ready to go. I am scared right now. I love her so much, so please pray!

Peace

I was telling Mike tonight how the ache in my heart is getting bigger again, now that we are quickly inching closer to our due date of April 5th. What else is there to do than to grab on to that peace that God can give us? I know sometimes for me, it comes down to a choice. I can let myself stay forever wallowing in my sorrow, which trust me...I could so easily do sometimes. Or I can CHOOSE to believe that God has a plan and He knows what He's doing. That doesn't mean I don't cry and grieve...I cry a lot! Sometimes all day, and sometimes it's an all-weekender event. But I don't let myself stay there permanently. If I did, I wouldn't be seeing the good and the blessing from my little Tyer's life. That's the road I've got to take. Not just for my own sanity, but for my little boy. Meeting him and having his purity and innocence in my hands inspired me to be the Mommy he needed, and now inspires me to be a better person...to be the person God planned me to be all along.

So about that peace?

I need that peace now. That peace that passes the need to understand any of this. The peace that passes the urge to figure all of this out.

I'm asking you for it, God, and I thank you for giving it to me!

"And the peace of God, which passes all understanding, will guard your hearts and minds through Him." ~Philipians 4:7

Priceless

So with tax season coming up, I found myself feeling sick thinking about a tax credit for having our baby in 2007. I asked my husband about it, and as soon as the words were out of my mouth, I just felt guilty. It's a hard thing to explain, but the whole idea of that just made me sick to think about. Get money back for our baby? Our baby that we lost? In a crazy way, it's like putting a price tag on our time with him...

Tax credit= $1,000
Time with Tyler= 6 days
Benefit per day= $167.00

As silly as it all may sound, I can't help but feel like I would rather get no money. It's not like I want a larger amount, I just don't want any at all. No one can pay any amount for that time we had with our precious son. In fact, I would pay a million dollars just to have one day again. One more day to feel that tiny hand clenching my finger. One more day to eagerly get ready to visit him. One more day to see him respond to my voice. One more day just to whisper into his ear, "Mommy loves you, sweet baby." One day to have the chance to hold him before he died. One day just to lay my face against his little belly.

One more day, that's all.

I would give anything.

His Scrapbook

While I was pregnant, I was going to start a scrapbook about my baby. I'm still planning on doing it, but for so long I just was putting it off. I started it yesterday, and it was painful! Everything is spread out in the guest room...which would have been the nursery. It felt so unreal as I sat in the room working on it. I should have been painting it and picking out cute curtains, not making a memory book of the baby that I lost. It felt so unfair. It was hard to just see everything again... all of his little things. His tiny little diaper. My hospital wristband. His social security card that will never be signed. His birth record with those cute, little footprints. The pictures of our beautiful time together. I let out a good, long cry which always helps me to be able to pick up and keep going with life. That, and knowing that somehow this is not the end... that that emptiness will be filled somday. My guest room will have a crib in it someday, holding our little baby that's waiting to be held by us. I DO believe that!

Purpose

As you already know, this blog is in memory of my sweet baby and the 6 wonderful days we had with him. At first, I had debated about sharing such personal information with complete and total strangers, but if there is even one person out there that feels encouraged, then the mission of this blog has been accomplished. Secondly, it's also a way for our friends and family to have constant access to updates on how we are doing. I know that doing this will also be therapeutic to me in itself. Sometimes it all just feels like a dream. Lastly, for those who are willing, I'd like to ask for your prayers. We know that someday we will be Mommy and Daddy again...we are just not sure how or when. Please pray that in God's time and in God's way, it will happen again for us. We would appreciate that so much!