I'll admit it, folks. I was dreading it.
More than I was dreading Mother's Day for myself.
As most people, I'd rather not see someone I love with their heart hurting. I just hoped and prayed it would not be too sad for Mike. Oh...Father's Day happened to fall on his birthday too this year. Did I mention that? Double whammy. It actually turned out to be a pretty good day after all. There were so many times though, that I couldn't help but imagine what this day would have been like... Mike having his first Father's Day and birthday while showing off our baby boy. It could have been so different, but this is how it is now. Acceptance of all this has filled us. We prayed for God's peace in our lives, and we got it. It's not peace that everything will always be fine and dandy, but it's peace knowing that we will make it through.
Let me tell you, Mike was an awesome father in his 6 days. So proud to be a Daddy! I'll never forget waking up after my C-section, groggy and blurry-eyed, to a photo of our beautiful boy that Mike was holding for me to see. The memory of Mike reading Tyler his first story...I wish I had gotten video footage of it, but it's forever engrained in my memory. "I'll love you to the moon and back," Mike said. And somehow I knew, as I watched in tears, that that was the only time we would get to read that story to our son. But ohhh so much joy.... smiles that come to our faces even now as we remember those times.
I'm grateful for some of the random friends at church Sunday that wished Mike a happy father's day. That meant a lot to him. We understand that most of the time, people don't know what to say...and that's okay too. Trust me, we've been on that side of things before too. To us though, Tyler will always be a part of our family. Yes, we've been able to let go of some of the pain that once overwhelmed us. But that doesn't mean that we let go of Baby Ty, of the fact that we are his Mommy and Daddy...that will always be. Time moves forward and takes us and life to new things, but this will always be.
And Mike will always be the greatest Daddy I've ever seen.
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5 comments:
I just stumbles upon your blog via cfhusband, I haven't had a chance to read much, only the Father's Day post and I'm in tears.
I just wanted to tell you I'm thinking of you and you are both still parents, you always will be-just becuz you're little boy is not physically with you, he is still there. lots of love.
the first one is always the hardest but that doesnt make the ones in the years to come any easier. i will tell you this: when you have another child (which i still believe you will in time) you will still have a part of the mothers and fathers day that you dread because you know that your baby is not there with you... these were our first "days" to celebrate with a living child and even still, you think about the baby that is not there with you. hold on to the memories that you have of that sweet little boy and cherish them for they will continue to get you through the hard times...
So sorry for your loss. I can't say anything about being able to relate, because I can't, but I'm sure it's a terribly difficult thing to deal with.
I saw your comment on Nate's blog - in response to your question, you can "bump" your post by clicking the "post options" link at the bottom of the compose window (in the grey area at the bottom of the text box) When you click on that, you can change the comment setting, backlink setting, and the date and time you would like your post to show up. Hope that helps.
Thank you for the messages!
Julie, thanks for the help and for taking the time to commment about it! :)
Mike & Jenn,
Continuing to think of the both of you on all of these holidays and "everydays".
God Bless You,
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