So without even intending to, my heart and mind pick right back up where I left off before the health scare with my sister. I've once again become very aware that this is the time that I would be welcoming my little boy home from the hospital. Tonight I was having a major sob moment about it. I was sitting in the bathroom talking with my sister as she cleaned up the "battle debris" of bath time. I tried to tell my sister through the sobs how tired I am of wondering if I will ever have a baby. "It's been years," I said, "and we came so close." (yeah, at this point I try to not even count, but it's been almost 4 years.) At that moment, my little 4-year old nephew Caleb opened the door and came in, soon followed by 2-year old Lauren. They both just looked at me wide-eyed, then we had the following conversation:
Caleb: Wha'd ya do, Aunt Jenn? (Miss and I laughed, realizing it looked like I got in trouble and was put in time out.) Why ya cryin'?
Me: I'm just sad. That's all, Caleb.
Caleb: Why you sad?
Me: Because I miss my baby Tyler. (The kids know all about him from Miss.)
Caleb: Why you miss him?
Me: Because he's in heaven now, and he's not with me. (I'm still trying to stop crying through this conversation at this point.)
Caleb: Tywer (Tyler) will come back to see you though?
Me: No, not anymore, sweetie.
Caleb: But Aunt Jenn, Tywer's with Jesus now?
Me: Yep, he's with Jesus.
Caleb: Oh. Is there cereal in heaven?
Me: Oh, I'm sure there's all kinds of yummy cereal in heaven.
Caleb: Are there wights (lights) in heaven too? (Apparantly he's afraid of the dark these days.)
Me: Yes, there are beautiful lights in heaven.
After that, cute Caleb just nodded, grabbed his toy, and exited the room. My neice, however, stuck around and dabbed at my tears with a washcloth. Too sweet. Oh, to be able to think with the simple mind of a child. Baby "Tywer" is with Jesus... he has cereal and lights, and somehow that was all Caleb needed to know. But for me, at this moment, my heart still gapes open.
Thank you, Caleb and Lauren, for being your cute, sweet selves. Aunt Jenn loves you both.
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3 comments:
Oh Jenn,
I hate being able to know what that feeling is like but at the same time, I can tell you that the simpleness of what children say does help. My neice asked me what my Hope looked like and she still talks about her... there is comfort in knowing that you are not the only one missing that sweet baby although no one will be able to feel that empty pit like you do. When I was feeling that pit, I had to remind myself that I was able to carry and deliver a child and although she did not live, I did something that some women never get to do or experience. On the flip side, by having that child pass away, I also did something that most women never experience. Tyler is in the best of hands with Jesus, cereal and lights and all... and I know that he is just running and playing healthy and happy. Hold on to the dream that as little as he was, he could still be a big brother and what a special big brother he could be, a gaurdian angel. Don't loose hope or faith, my Hope has about three weeks left till she becomes a big sister... it is possible to bridge from the pain to the other side. Just give yourself time...
Jenn,
Just remember that the Lord is knitting the gap in your heart closed with His love for you. He is healing you day by day. Yes, you will always feel the pain and the loss but you will God's healing power each more every day. I believe that because He has done it for me several times with several different losses.
Beth Johnson
Montgomery, Al
Praying for you...
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