I was telling Mike tonight how the ache in my heart is getting bigger again, now that we are quickly inching closer to our due date of April 5th. What else is there to do than to grab on to that peace that God can give us? I know sometimes for me, it comes down to a choice. I can let myself stay forever wallowing in my sorrow, which trust me...I could so easily do sometimes. Or I can CHOOSE to believe that God has a plan and He knows what He's doing. That doesn't mean I don't cry and grieve...I cry a lot! Sometimes all day, and sometimes it's an all-weekender event. But I don't let myself stay there permanently. If I did, I wouldn't be seeing the good and the blessing from my little Tyer's life. That's the road I've got to take. Not just for my own sanity, but for my little boy. Meeting him and having his purity and innocence in my hands inspired me to be the Mommy he needed, and now inspires me to be a better person...to be the person God planned me to be all along.
So about that peace?
I need that peace now. That peace that passes the need to understand any of this. The peace that passes the urge to figure all of this out.
I'm asking you for it, God, and I thank you for giving it to me!
"And the peace of God, which passes all understanding, will guard your hearts and minds through Him." ~Philipians 4:7
Forever My Love
Married June 9, 2001
About Us
- Jenn
- In God's timing, we learned we were expecting our first baby. We were thrilled beyond words to be expecting our Sweet Baby Tyler. In December of 2007, at 25 weeks, I went into premature labor, and Tyler was born on December 20, 2007. We had 6 amazing days to spend with our beautiful boy. We savored every moment, reading him stories in the NICU, including the Christmas story. Right then, he opened his eyes for the first time for his mommy and daddy...our best Christmas present ever. He went home to be with Jesus the next morning. We trust God with His plan, and rest in knowing that this is not the end of our story... and now, two years later, it turns out that it wasn't the end of our story. We are NOW thrilled to be expecting a baby girl, who is due January 9, 2010! If you are struggling, just know it is not over...this is not the end. Your story is still being written!
8 comments:
Jenn, my specific prayer for you and Mike today will be that the peace and presence of God will envelop your very being and every thought...
I will follow your journey closer to God supporting your every step with prayer.
Jenn and Mike,
I want you to know you are both in my thoughts and prayers daily. I know there are others I have shared your story with that think about and pray for you as well. May God give you peace and may you feel His love wrapped around you!
Steph (SS)
I feel like you are blogging every one of my thoughts. I hate that we both know how this feels, but am also grateful for the exchange of emails we had and hope to continue that support and online friendship.
If you ever need anything, I am here... feeling the same way you are.
Aimee
Jenn,
Praying God fills you with this peace!!
Stacy (SS)
Your little baby Tyler, is with my Natalie in heaven. I don't know how you exactly feel, but I do know that I hate what happened to you. Things like this shouldn't happen. We should get to see our babies grow. I read you blog about peace and I am blown away by your persistant heart to God. Many people take their pain and anger and walk the other way, away from Him. God can handle our anger, He wants to. I lost Natalie over 4 years ago and I, like you, had to give up trying to find answers. I wanted a reason that God would allow so much pain in my heart. I hurt so bad, that even breathing felt like too much. I never quite got an "answer." But in time, God showed me how close He holds me. And my trust in Him would never be this strong. Tyler teaches you more in his 6 days than anyone else could ever do. He taught you how much love and hurt you are capable of. I don't know you, but you are on my heart. Again, I am so sorry, but remember that even weakness is a sign of strength.
it is a blessing that you see yourself getting close to that "edge" of recovery. i fell off of it and was in bouts of depression for almost seven months. i was angry with God and didn't do much talking to him... i yelled at him alot. when i made my way back, i had a marriage that needed to be worked on and a heart that needed to be healed. from someone who has been there, talk to God, but also talk to your husband... he is also going through the same thing you are and when it is all said and done, he will be the one still standing by you at the end of the day.
I found your blog, via you picture and comment on Nate's blog about Gwenyth's journey. I only had an hour and a half with my 20 week old daughter Grace who was born at a rest-stop. I almost had a breakdown. I cried and cried, and would be set off so easily. I wished at the time I knew people who had gone thru what I had. I wrote poems, and struggled to fight depression, and keep God in my life even though I questioned so often "why". She was my first daughter, and She would have been 5 yrs old this July (she was due in Dec.) At the hospital I was tranported to, they gave me an angel box with her first outfit and blanket (teeny preemie sized things that were donated to the hospital for any preemies that were born) I have her id band, the nurses gave me her footprints on a pastel colored paper they cut into a heart. I also got pictures given to me of my beautiful sweet daughther from the hospital and a book of poems written by families who had suffered the loss of a baby. Now that I am past the pain thanks to a God who didn't give up on me (never forgotten, only buried) those are some of my most important treasures. The pictures you have, the memories of you holding your son, Each day will become more and more precious to you. I have lost a total of 4 babies, Grace and 3 miscarriages. I have given birth to one son who will be 3 in April, we adopted a baby daughter the end of last yr, thinking that God didn't want us to give birth biologically anymore due to so many miscarriages, and in the process of adopting her found out I was expecting. We are due in June.
I will say a prayer for you today and just know you aren't alone, others are out there grieving along with you, and praying for strength to get thru each day!
Post a Comment