Never Forgotten, Little Man

Two years ago tonight,

this was the sunset the day Tyler passed away.

We love you so much, Tyler!

Always... Your Mommy and Daddy

Anticipation

Baby Girl,

You are our long-awaited miracle, a dream come true. How I have cherished your every movement, your every stretch and kick. Expecting you was a miracle in itself for me. Every ultrasound, every sound of your heartbeat captivated your Daddy and I and filled us with joy.

Every moment on bedrest, every trip to the hospital, every single contraction has been so worth it to see your sweet face. Do you know that friends and family prayed you here? To my 37th week I was never sure I'd see....the week we get to welcome you into our open arms. We cannot imagine how amazing that moment will be. Seeing you, touching you, hearing your first cry. So many treasured moments lie ahead that we have only dreamed about.

You are living proof that in all things, God has a plan. We couldn't have timed it any better. This week, we remembered losing your brother. But at the same time we anticipate the arrival of you. Thank you for being our joy that came after our sorrow.

A little gift from heaven, you are. We've prayed for you for years. And now we are just in awe that you will soon be here!! We are already soooo pround of you, Baby Girl, and can't wait to begin our lives with you!

Loving you so much already!!

We'll see you soon!

Mommy and Daddy

To all of you~ We found out that due to my scoliosis, I may not get to have a spinal/epidural. If that's the case, then I will have general anesthesia, which means Mike will not be in the OR with me. That has really been one of our dreams, to meet this baby at the same time. Please pray that as long as it's safe for her and me, that it will work out! Thanks so much for carrying us through with your prayers! Will update soon!! :)

Who Inspiires Me, You Ask?

Well, I'll tell ya. Ever since finding out about needing an amnio, I've been VERY nervous about it. Just because I am soooooo not a needles person. I've gotten so many blood tests and shots over the past years, and I have NEVER once looked at that needle! So the thought of an amnio needle piercing my belly and uterus just does not sound like a fun time.

So knowing that my amnio is in the morning, I have very much been anxious tonight just thinking about it. I know God has brought us this far, but still...I am human and yes, things like this scare me. (I know some Christians believe that Christians should never have fear, but I don't believe that....it's what you do with that fear that matters. Do you hold onto it, or let it go to the One that can take care of it.)

Anyway, so tonight I frankly had that "I'm gonna crap my pants" feeling just thinking about this amnio. Stupid and silly I know. Mike was talking with me and had just said a prayer for us that all would go well this week, then what happened right on cue?? Got a text from my sis Missy. Here's what it said--

"I'm praying for the Lord to fill your heart with so much peace! I KNOW you will do fine. I love you!"

Even before tonight I have thought many times about the MANY appointments, procedures and so-not-fun events she had to walk though...and she did it BRAVELY with no whining and complaining.

So this stupid little needle thing I'm doing tomorrow is really a walk in the park. If she can so bravely venture into transplants, chemo treatments, and appointments holding unknown news, then I can surely just get a grip and gather up a fraction of the courage she has.

That's a sister for ya...or better yet, that's MY sister for ya. SO thankful for both of them!

Happy 2nd Birthday, Tyler Michael

Tonight after Mike and I got home from visiting his parents, I asked him what time it was. "12:13," he said. Then he rounded the corner to come back toward me in the living room, and he silently just took my hand. This was the exact minute of Tyler's 2nd birthday. We were already standing right there, in front of his picture on the wall. We both said a few words to him, wishing him a happy 2nd birthday and telling him we missed him.

Missing him will never stop. Soon after we lost him, we prayed something. We felt like we were never going to get away from that sick, drowning in sorrow feeling when we thought of him. So we prayed that we'd be able to remember him with joy and smiles and not just pure heartache. It took a while, but we've slowly been able to do that.

Every little memory will be with us forever, and although our hearts still ache as we miss him, our hearts smile at the same time as our memeories walk us through those six days.

We are still just so thankful for our time with him and thankful for the healing that God has brough us these past two years.

And I can't help but think that just maybe...by our baby girl coming the same week that he did, that it's the extra measure of healing and grace that God planned for us all along.


Tyler~ Happy 2nd birthday, Baby Boy. Our hearts ache for you to be here home with us, but we know that truly...you are Home. We will tell your baby sister about you, and we'll never forget you. Thank you for being the first one to make us a proud Mommy and Daddy.

Forever Loving You~ Daddy, Mommy and Your Baby Sister

Be looking soon for my 37 week post and possibly the last post before little girl's arrival!

Days of December

Remember this ornament? Some of you may remember that this was an ornament given to us in memory of Tyler, the week that he was born and passed away, two years ago now.

A year ago to the day, I wrote a post that was also entitled "The Days of December." Oh, how much can change within a year. So much in December still takes us quickly back to memories of Tyler. The sight of twinkling Christmas lights and softly falling snow...and the sounds of Christmas music filling the air. In the past couple years, those things met us with deep sorrow as Christmas week was the time of both Tyler's birth and passing. Then later, they came on waves of sadness that were mixed with joy as we remembered those six days spent with our sweet son. And now, these December days...every chill in the air and every reminder of Christmas bring something different.

Mike and I always knew that if we were blessed with any future children, we would talk each year about Tyler as we hung up his ornament. We knew that was one way we could keep his memory alive in our family. Just this week, as we were hanging up that special ornament, we told this baby about her older brother. We told her how we love them both so much. So now it's a time of the memeories of Tyler merging with the complete joy of anticipating the arrival of our little girl.

And more news we have found out... We found out that her scheduled arrival will be the week of Christmas. Timing could not be any sweeter than that. And this is just one of many examples of the bond shared between this baby and her brother. Tyler's birthday falls on Sunday, December 20th. Sometime that week, they will schedule an amnio, then my C-Section, just days after Tyler's birthday. It is also an awesome reminder of a promise Mike and I have held onto for years now...that "sorrow may last for a day, but joy will come in the morning." We have both found ourselves in tears, just picturing that day we get to see her, face to face. Oh, what a sweet day that will be!

So let me tell you...whatever your sorrow, whatever your pain. Hold on, my friends. It may take years to get there, enduring circumstances we may never understand, but please believe one thing that God can do for you...

Your complete joy will come again someday.

We are living examples of that!

"...weeping may remain for a night, but rejoicing comes in the morning." Psalm 30:5

What?? 35 Weeks?!!!

Wow, how these weeks have flown by! LOTS to update you on, so get ready!! And now...I am 35 weeks! As always, with every weekly milestone, I am SO happy to be here with our baby girl! We thank God for each new day that we are given with our baby girl!

We just celebrated wonderful news at Thanksgiving... that I was 34 weeks, AND also that my sister received awesome news that week. She first found out that she was finally matched with TWO donors-- the cord blood of two babies. How thankful we are those parents decided to donate that. Also, she found out the results of her PET scan showed BOTH the size and activity of her cancer to have decreased. That is the first time ever that both decreased. Yes, lots to be thankful for that week!

Lately my days are either quite relaxed while I am just lying back and loving every moment. Her movements have changed from those brief flutters to later feeling quick flips and quick slides across my belly, to now....they are mostly just slow glides of her feet that I can literally see go across my belly. I also love to imagine what she will look like. Now, if I am not kicked back and relaxed enjoying those moments, I am probably feeling crunch time coming on... feeling the hectic craziness of everything that I need to do yet...that "running around like a chicken with it's head cut off" feeling. And it would be a very pregnant chicken running around. How's that for a visual of me right now, huh?

I found out the other day that just as I have been, Mike has also been picturing her to have lots of dark hair. At our recent ultrasound this week, the ultrasound tech pointed out the many tips of hair you could see encircling her entire head. It'll be so fun to actually see her and not just imagine her looks! We also had a growth scan on the baby that day. Through ultrasound, they measure the circumference of her head and belly, and the lengths of her humerus and femur. It gives an estimate of her weight. We were expecting her to be slightly above average as she has been, but I'm guessing this girl really enjoyed Thanksgiving dinner! Mike guessed her to be 5 pounds, 14 ounces; I guessed her to be an even six pounds. She is actually pushing 7 pounds already at 35 weeks! Poor girl....already has people tracking her weight for her.

No fat jokes about her, please. ;)

I do have to say I am happy to be having a C-Section!

And MORE Good News!!

My sis just posted even MORE good news on her blog today! I won't even try to summarize it...she does the best job! All I can say is "Thank You, God!!!"

This will be my family's best Thanksgiving yet...

My Sister's Update

Please read my sister's blog here for an awesome update about her!

And THANK YOU for your prayers!!!

My Sister Melissa

Many of you are also following my sister Melissa's story. She has been undergoing treatments for her Non-Hodgkin's Lymphoma since her diagnosis in March of 2008. She underwent a stem cell transplant last winter using her own stem cells, which was unsuccessful. She is currently waiting to be matched with a stem cell donor. In the meantime, she has recently been receiving a couple rounds of a chemo regimen not tried yet.

This is why I'm posting this.

Today, there will be no announcing from me about my pregnancy week, and no baby updates. I'd like for us all to focus our thoughts and prayers toward her right now.

This Tuesday, at 8:45 am, she will be having a PET scan. It is so important for the results to show that this chemo is improving her condition. If it does, then she will be able to return to New York City to continue treatment with her new doctor there. If it does not show improvement, I am not sure of the available options at that point.

I can't say this enough, as I'm sure many of you cannot either... Please pray for a miracle for her. She wants a long life with her family...her precious little ones...and they need her as well. We all need her, and want that for her.

We are standing firm in believing that God can do this for her. Please join us now as we pray specifically for this upcoming scan. Will update next week, but sometimes it takes a day or so for the scan to be read by the doctor.

Thanks MORE than words from all of us!

Her Sister, Jenn

Melissa holding her cute little visitor, Josiah.

And now....

We are 32 weeks along!! I remember the days of just dreaming of being in this week. Thank you, God for bringing us here! Each and every week is such a milestone and a celebration, and will be until we are holding our little girl safely in our arms!

This week I am especially grateful for the many people who have offered to loan me baby supplies. Just this week, a couple friends passed on a load of stuff that will really help us to have when the baby comes. THANK YOU!!!

And there is my beautiful sister Melissa who passed on literally an entire wardrobe for the baby. You would never believe that they were already worn by her two little girls! Miss just took such immaculate care of them, which is such a bonus. Thank you, awesome sister!

So my next goal now is 34 weeks. It still helps me to break it up like that. I still have contractions every day, some seeming a bit stronger than what I've had. We would appreciate your continued prayers that they stay at bay, while the baby stays put as long as possible!

Thank you SO much, as always!!!

Jenn, Mike, and Baby Girl

31 Weeks and a Few Thoughts...

First off, I apologize for not posting sooner! I know there are many of you who communicate your prayers to me as you follow our story, and I so appreciate that! Although I've had contractions every day since about 17 weeks, I've noticed them a bit more often than usual lately. Because of that, I've had to try to lay low as much as possible. Good news is that Mike recently brought our laptop home now that his football season is over at school, so I should be able to update more often now.

I am SO happy to be 31 weeks now!! I am still loving every minute of it! What used to feel like little kicks and flutters has now turned into roll and slide movements from one side of my belly to the other. I felt her stretch the other day, with her hands jabbing one side, and her feet nearly poking out of the other side. (It helps me identify which end is which when she has the hiccups.) Yesterday, she was moving so forcefully that Mike and I saw something little stick out of my belly about an inch or so, slide across, and repeating. We actually thought that was a little freaky, like something from the "Alien" movie! We are enjoying it all!

Some of you have asked about my due date. I'm due January 9th. It will be a c-section since I had one before. Please pray that I can make it to that time without any complications from contractions, etc... Another prayer request is about a dream Mike and I have had...to get to be in the operating room together, with me awake, and meet our little girl together for that first time. We would really appreciate your prayers for those two thingn.

We are really getting excited just thinking about meeting her, and we are just so thankful to be where we are now. God has really shown us a lot through all this, and I look forward to sharing that with you as we go along.

One of those things is actually something I learned soon after we lost Tyler. I would hear some people say that they are so blessed, as they seemed to have everything going right in their lives. (Not specific people, just in general.) Which gave me the question, "Am I not blessed? And those like me who have lost a child or are struggling..are we all just forgotten or overlooked?" But the truth really is that we are all blessed no matter what is going on in our lives. Sometimes, the clouds grow thick and cause those blessings to be more difficult to see, but they are still there.

I learned then that true thankfullness for life's blessings should happen no matter how discouraging our circumstances are. It doesn't mean it is easy to recognize or that we need to smile as we go through hard times. I just believe that God loves us each the same, and not one person is more lavishly blessed than another. Our blessings and our circumstances may just be different from what we hoped or expected. I just can't imagine that God has tiered levels where he places us to receive varying amounts of goodness. The goodness is always there...He just has to open our eyes enough to see the big picture.

Mike and I realized at our son's funeral that we were so blessed to have him, if even for six days. Were we smiling and happy to be at the funeral? No way! I remember feeling as though I was totally drowning in sorrow. But still, we knew our time with him would forever be a blessing.

So again now with our baby girl, we say we are soo thankful for the blessing that she is too. Sooooo thankful more than words can say!

We are also thankful for you for following our story, and for your prayers for all of us!

(This post is where I first talked about this idea of "Thankfullness, In All Times." I have a feeling it will explain these thoughts a lot more clearly.)

Guess What??

Today I'm exactly 28 weeks! Whooo-hoooo!!!!

That means 90% chance survival rate, and less than 20% chance that anything would be wrong with her if she would be born right now. (Which she won't be!)

Many of you knew that 28 weeks was the next milestone that I've been shooting for, so I am SOOOO thankful to be here!

This also means that for the first time ever, I am now in the THIRD TRIMESTER of pregnancy! LOVE it!

Mike and I have really loved feeling her move late at night lately. Actually, forget feeling, we can see her move and roll just by watching my belly. We are amazed at how active and on-the-move she is when she's awake. Last night, I laughed and said I thought she might have "restless leg syndrome." :) Or maybe Daddy's ADHD. (He does't really have that, although I've diagnosed him with it! ;)

So here's to the THIRD TRIMESTER!! Thanks for your prayers and to God for getting us this far. We would appreciate your prayers for continued safety for both this baby and myself. Ideas are also being tossed around about how and when the next c-section should be scheduled. There are a lot of factors that go into it, so we would also really appreciate prayers for that as well!

Thanks and love to all!

(Love this song, by the way...can you hear it? Although she will never be "the only one." Tyler will always be a part of our family too.)

Our Baby Girl

I am so happy to get to share this picture with all of you! Words can't even describe how amazing it is to see her on the screen during the ultrasounds. Yesterday, Mike and I just held hands and laughed as we watched her wiggle and squirm in 4-D during the appointment. She has already brought us SO much joy, and we thank God every day for that!



And I have to give a big thank you to our friend Jen, who is also my sister Melissa's neighbor, who so kindly and creatively designed the above picture. Thank you, Jen!

This Moment

I have been savoring the many precious moments I have had so far with this Baby Girl of mine. From the moment I found about I was expecting her, to the unforgettable moments we shared the joy of that news with our family and friends. Then the moments of the pregnancy becoming real...feeling the nausea and the extra tiredness; yes, I even treasure those moments. Then the AMAZING times of feeling her move and kick so early at 14 weeks, followed by that exciting moment where we watched the ultrasound screen to see if we were having another son or a daughter.

And we found out it was you, Baby Girl. And we've been calling you by name since...

Soon following were the down moments as well, trips to the hospital due to hyperemisis and contractions; but even in that there was still the good. Hearing her amazingly strong heartbeat on the monitor that sounded like a horse galloping through the hospital room. It was worth the trip for me just to hear that.

And then recently, there was the follow-up appointment to check on what-appeared to have been my premature shortening cervix. During that appt, a friend of mine held my hand and I know she was silently praying with me for good news while we waited.

And good news we got that day. All was well- Thank you, God.

But right now, this is such a special moment as I type this for a completely different reason.

Last pregnancy, our precious baby boy Tyler was born while I was 24 weeks and 5 days pregnant, at 12:13 am.

I started writing this as I am 24 weeks, 5 days pregnant, at 12:14 am.

I have prayed for this moment.

Right now, with each passing second, minute and hour, I am further along than I have ever been...and I expect to keep treading these new waters in my pregancy in the next weeks and months.

I am in a place in my pregnancy where I have never been before, and I am SO happy to be here.

SO happy for this moment...

And so thankful to the God who has brought me here.

"Dear Lord, thank you for this moment. Please continue to protect this little girl of mine and keep her safe inside of me. Protect my body until it is safe for her to join us, and live a healthy life with us. Tell Tyler we love him. Amen."

Good news!

Sorry this update has taken me so long to post! I don't do much sitting up these days, and Mike needs the laptop at school for football during the week...

Anyway! I was so anxious for that appointment...had NO idea what news I might hear. Before checking measurements, the ultrasoumd tech checked the baby out first. She looked SOOO cute, and I have the sweetest 4-D ultrasoumd picture of her little face. That part was very emotional for me!

Then the ultrasound tech checked measurements, and all checked out fine after all!! Thank you, thank you, thank you, God!!! Can't tell you how relieved I was to hear that. That relief will not even compare to the relief I will feel when Baby Girl is safely here though!

So, I'm officially 24 weeks now! My next goal is to get to 28 weeks. Please help to pray us there!

Thank you so much for your prayers, thoughts, and support!!!

Please Pray

We just got back from our weekly check-up. We are seen by our high-risk dr on a weekly basis with this pregnancy. They specifically measure the cervical length to make sure it is not shortening. It's been good all along, measuring right around 3.6 cm. But today it measured at 2.6 cm. We were not happy about that at all, and of course it makes these days very scary for us. The doctor wants to see us back on Friday to check the length again.

I still have random and infrequent contractions, so please pray that they stop in case they are causing my cervix to shorten.

Some of you already know this, but this is the exact week in my pregnancy with Tyler when we went into preterm labor. It is already a scary week for us, and we weren't expecting this news today. I remember when I had to go into the ER around 19 weeks due to contractions. I was wanting so badly to just be here nearing 24 weeks, and it just felt like a lifetime away. Some of you offered to specifically pray me through to that first milestone that I had set.

And now I'm here, and I am soooo thankful for that.

I would appreciate it SOOO much if you could pray that things will look good during Friday's check-up. Then my next milestone that I'm shooting for is 28 weeks. I am confident that we can get there! With God's help and with prayer, we are going to get this little girl there!

Thanks more than words for your prayers!!

Love to all,
Mike, Jenn, and Baby Girl

Our Baby GIRL

That's right! A few weeks ago we found out that we are expecting a girl! We are very excited, but we really had no preference either way. We already have her named, but we'll announce that after she arrives. I LOVE the name!! I have to tell you that I have the cutest little profile pic of her that will be posted soon!

I am so happy to be almost 21 weeks now! I really hope the next few weeks fly by! I always knew being pregnant again would have its hard/scarey times as we near the point when we had preterm labor with Tyler. And of course, along with the joys, we have experienced that. I randomly have contractions, sometimes several an hour, that send us to the hospital. Although the hospital trips are tiring, we would much rather stay on the safe side. They are usually able to get the contractions quickly under control with IV fluids. Honestly, we rarely tell anyone when we are enroute to the hospitl these days, as I hate to drag everyone on the roller coaster every time.

I share that with you now for one reason...will you please join us in praying that our sweet little girl stays put for a long while yet, and does not join us until her little body is prepared to? I can't even explain how much those prayers mean to me and Mike. Considering what we've been through, it's just a scarey time for us.

With that in mind, I'm closing this post with the verse I heard on the radio soon before finding out I was pregnant. It's a verse that brings me much peace that I remind myself of again and again...

"Forget the former things; Do not dwell on the past. See? I am doing a NEW thing!"

Isaiah 43:18-19

Will You Please Try???

Where do I even begin? My sister Melissa is in increasing pain from the growing tumor and lymphoma. She sounds weak when I speak to her on the phone...possibly from the pain, or the pain meds, or the lymphoma itself, or a combination of the three. She said she literally feels like she is waiting for a new heart or a new lung....that's what it is like to be dependent on the generosity of donors.

I'm not just trying to encourage you to join the National Bone Marrow Registry because it's a wonderful, humanitarian thing to do.

I'm asking you this because I don't want to lose my sister.

Out of the 7 million people in our country on the registry, only ONE appears right now to be a possible match for her. And that's not even definite yet. Her nurse just told me that yesterday.

THAT is why it's so imporant that I get tons more people to join for her sake right now.

Most people hesitate to become a donor because they think either--
a) it's painful (No pain involved--it's a simple cheek swab.)
b) it's complicated (It's 30 seconds on the internet. We easily spend 30 minutes just here on blogs or email.)

Here is the SIMPLE process:
1) Go to www.marrow.org
2) Click on "Join Registry"
3) It will ask you to agree to terms, give your name, email address, create a password, and give your mailing address.
4) They will mail you a cheek swab kit. You collect the cells and mail it back in.

Once they receive and test your sample, it AUTOMATICALLY goes into the system. Then it is immediately checked to see if it is a match. If you have any questions at all, call 1-800- Marrow2. They are very kind and helpful there. Feel free to message me too.

The registration process usually costs $50 for that initial testing, but is FREE now until June 22nd.

There will never be any other cost for you. If you are a match for my sister, her insurance will cover it.

Please take a moment to do this for my sister...
for her husband who is so in love with her...
for her 3 smaill kids who need their mommy...
for the rest of us, as her family and friends, who want nothing more but to have more years with her.

Thank you BEYOND words...

Jenn

My Sister's Appt...

is tomorrow morning at 9 am at Sloan Kettering in NYC. She is getting a second opinion. Please pray the doctor there will present some more options for her!

Can't thank you enough for taking time to pray for this!

Read more here.

Ultrasound Pics- 7 weeks

Here are our latest ultrasound pics! We decided to keep the continuing story of our second baby here on the same blog with Tyler's story. One led to the next, and it's the continuing story of our family. I would eventually like to change the header above, but first I have to figure out how!

This ultrasound picture was taken at 7 weeks. I swear I can almost see a profile if I look closely, but I know that's not possible yet!

By the way, for anyone having trouble seeing the baby in the ultrasound pic...the dark area in the top half of the pic is the gestational sac. The arrow is pointing at the baby itself. You can also see umbilical cord that is starting to form as it trails away to the left of the baby.

Surprisingly, we heard and saw the heartbeat at this ultrasound. I, of course, got choked up immediately, and Mike laughed with joy. I could have kept listening to that sound all day!

My due date is officially January 9th, but they will schedule me sometime in December for a c-section. This is due to my inverted-T incision, so they can't risk me going into labor again.

It still seems so surreal that I'm actually posting ultrasound pictures now! Please pray that we make it to December with this baby still safely inside me!! Thank you, God, for this gift!!

You may remember this picture on my sister Melissa's blog. There's a story behind it. I didn't want to share it on her blog, as I want to keep her blog about her and not about me.

When I was in Indy for a couple months, we were walking through a "Hobby Lobby" store. They have every decoration known to man in that store. I told her that I wanted to get a sign that said the word faith on it, and I wanted to set it next to an empty picture frame in my living room. For me, it signified holding out faith for our future child, a child that would actually live here on earth with us. I really felt like I should do this. We saw this sign, and I loved it. Miss, being the kind person she is, wanted to buy it for me.

So after she went into the hospital, I took the sign in for her room. This picture of it was in her hospital room when she had her chemo and bone marrow transplant.

When I returned to PA in March, I put the sign in my living room next to the empty picture frame. Some of you may have noticed it there. I placed a small empty picture frame next to it. It stayed just like that for the next two months, then we found out that another little one was on the way.

There is not power in the sign itself, but faith the size of a mustard seed goes a long way. And encouraging sisters are priceless! I hope I have and can continue to extend that same encouragement to her!

My Sister Melissa

Please pray for a miracle for her. She and Doug both need prayer for peace of heart, soul, and mind right now while their world is being turned upside-down.

www.danceintherainmelissa.blogspot.com

Please pass the word to all you know who believe in prayer! We need to stand in the gap for her now to try to beat this thing!

Remember WITH GOD ALL THINGS ARE POSSIBLE!!!!!

Thank you in advance, my friends!

Mother's Day

As kids while growing up, Mother's Day meant giving Mom a card that Dad had picked out for us. I remember seeing Dad give Mom a box of Russell Stover chocolates. Of course, I would sneak into it and try to claim all of my favorite cream flavors. (Not surprising, huh?)

Later, especially while I was in college, Mother's Day brought a phone call home to Mom and Grandma. I'm sure at least one time in there I apologized for not getting a card out in time. Across the miles and hours apart, you really grow to appreciate your family and loved ones.

And that is true even now, as we are 10 hours apart. I appreciate them even more and am so thankful for the blessings that they are.

In the past few years, Mother's Day took on a different meaning. It brought pain and was a reminder of what Mike and I wanted so badly. It meant watching others get recognized in church and standing up all around you as the mothers were recognized during the service.

Then last year, even after Tyler had left us, I was finally a mother on my first Mother's Day. It still wasn't a happy one obviously. I vowed that morning before church that if mothers were asked to stand during the service, that I would. Not standing would mean denyng my son. Fortunately, there was never a need for that. But I celebrated my son that day.

And this Mother's Day...

I celebrate something different...something new...a new thing...

Just a few days after posting "A New Thing" below, we found out that we are expecting another baby!

From that moment of finding out, we felt so many emotions. But I can tell you how I've been holding on to that verse that I posted below. Knowing that this is a new thing has already given me so much peace...peace replacing the doubt and fear that I had been feeling before. It was amazing to see how God gave me that verse right before I found out, to start preparing me and changing my emotions.

So now, this Mother's Day, we remember Tyler...

And we look toward the future with this new Baby we have been given now. This new life growing inside of me. I am thankful for every ounce of fatigue, every bit of sickness that I am starting to feel. It has already brought us so much joy!!!!!

And so much joy to get to share our "Mother's-Day news" with you!!!

Melissa

Please be praying for my sister, who has her 90 day post-BMT scan tomorrow. We celebrate that she has seen improvement over scans in the last couple months, but still, we all eagerly await the results of tomorrow's scan.

Read her words here.

Thank you!!!

A New Thing

About a month ago, I had a doctor's appointment. Being back at the same hospital where I had Tyler got me thinking about some things again. I walked out of the building afterwards...the same doors where I left when I was discharged a year and a half ago... and those fears from the past crept in. What if I were to get pregnant again? Will it be a healthy pregnancy? Will I have a baby that actually lives with me this time? These thoughts ran through my mind as I walked across the parking lot.

Heavy-heartedly, I got into my car. I turned the radio on, and heard a verse being read on WGRC--

"Forget the former things;

do not dwell on the past.

See, I am doing a new thing!"

(Isaiah 43:18-19)

Oh, sweet peace in these words!

I don't usually hear things like this on a daily basis, but what great timing from my Heavenly Father to hear this when I did. Thank you, God, for that! It just confirmed the peace for me that I had already been feeling lately...that a new thing is about to happen.

"There will be a day with no more tears,

no more pain, no more fears..."

(sung by Jeremy Camp)

Another "First"

This past Sunday morning during church, I could tell Mike had something on his mind. He was a little more serious-faced than usual. I asked him if something was wrong. He hesitated, shrugged, then said he would tell me later. Now, girls, any of you out there know that we cannot let that go. But I wish I had.

He leaned over to me and said, "Your due date was April 5th, right?"

I nodded.

Then I got it.

He would have been one year old this weekend had the preterm labor never happened.

I'm usually the one pretty good with rememebering dates, but this time I didn't. I tried to blink back the tears. It wasn't working. I slipped out for a minute, then came back in. Thought that did the trick, but it did not.

Why fight the tears at this point? I think people get used to see me crying.

I get flashes sometimes of the "would have been." And right then, I saw Mike holding our dark-haired, cute little boy. But then I looked over and saw Mike sitting, leaning forward, elbows on his knees, looking so sad.

You know, I've always wanted to be a mommy. I was the junior high kid that volunteered to help in the nursery, because that's how much I have always loved babies. But even stronger than that desire, is my desire to see Mike get to be a Daddy. He wants that so bad. And it would fill my heart with so much joy to someday get to see that happen for him.

The first Sunday of every other month is an annointing service. For anyone who is not familiar with this, it is not a healing service type-thing you would see on t.v. Anyone is invited to go forward for emotional, spiritual, or physical healing. The pastor stands down below the stage, annoints you with oil, and says a prayer for you. I told him why we were there...for continued healing for our loss... for the wound that never goes away, and to be blessed again with another baby someday.

After all we have been through, there is still hope. We still hope for another baby that will be healthy and live with us. People ask us if we are interested in adopting. I value the gift of adoption, but for now, it is not for us.

So, back to Sunday. After the annointing, others were praying with us up front. It's always an emotional prayer for me. Good thing the annointing is toward the end of the service, because given my puffy, "gone-into-the-ugly-cry" face, I felt better just leaving church after that.
As we were walking out, I could hear the words being sung at that point from the service. Words from a song that is hard for me to sing at times, yet freeing and releasing for me to sing as well. Mike and I both commented later how it could not have fit the moment more for us--

"You give and take away.
You give and take away.
My heart will choose to say,
Blessed be the name."

He gives and takes away. Now, nowhere in that tune is there a line that says you'll know why he takes away. I think that's way that song is hard to hear. It simply just says He gives and takes away, that's all. After what we've been through, that song can almost make me picture an unloving God that yanks things away after he dangles them like a carrot. The song makes me remember the times right after his death when we wondered why God never saved him. Why he allowed it to happen. Sometimes we struggle in wondering if God thought we would be bad parents. Yes, we know that's not true, but it's an honest thought.

But the song also reminds me of other things I've dealt with and decided through all this. Faith in God is not conditional on my circumstance. It is not dependent on whether I have the "warm fuzzies" in my heart or not.

So, my heart does still choose to say it. Because when the heart isn't automatically feelin' the good vibes in the down times, you can still make the choice to say it. You can still make the choice to believe in more than your pain.

You can still make the choice to press on, and HOPE. You can still make the choice to BELIEVE.

Because God is not done with us yet.

Trust me, this is not the end of our story.

"Be confident in this, that He who began a good work in you will be faithful to complete it." Phil. 1:6

Coming Home Again

I will be very sad to say good-bye to my sister Missy on Wednesday morning. In fact, I'm trying to talk her into just knocking me out and putting me on a bus so we can skip the sadness. She's not okayed that plan yet...

But I will be so happy to see my awesome hubby Mike! Time and time again I am reminded just how thankful I am for him. He completely supported me as I took unpaid leave to spend the last couple months with my sister in Indiana. Not many husbands would be so unselfish to agree to that.

It seems like there are so many things that have happened in the past couple years with us that have definitely reminded me of how thankful I am for him. Turn up your volume and listen to this song. It's my song to him right now.

Some of the words...
"I'm lucky I'm in love with my best friend
Lucky to have been where I have been
Lucky to be coming home again
I'm lucky we're in love in every way
Lucky to have stayed where we have stayed
Lucky to be coming home someday..."

I'll see ya Wednesday night, babes!! I LOVE YOU!!!