One Year: Happy Birthday, Baby Ty

It amazes me that this moment is here. Last year at this time, I was in extremely painful and progressed labor, then at exactly 12:13 am, our little baby Tyler Michael was born. Following his birth, we experienced the long-awaited pride of being Tyler's Mommy and Daddy. Then hit the indescribable low valley of losing a child... way too soon. At that point, we felt like time wasn't going to move on, and we were going to be in that pit of intense pain forever. We are so thankful that the joy of remembering our baby has slowly replaced that pain of knowing he's not with us. So today, I will share one of those memories that captures how we feel about our little man...

Mike read a little book to Tyler. His Aunt Melissa (my sister) gave it to him, and it's one of the best memories we have. I first attempted to read it, but I'm happy now that my tears didn't let it happen. It was a moment meant to happen between Tyler and his Daddy.

To Tyler~ We hope you felt our immeasurable love in every word of this story, in every touch, and in every word we ever spoke or whispered to you. We will love you forever, Baby Boy, our little "Nutbrown Hare."...
~Mommy and Daddy

"Guess How Much I Love You"

Little Nutbrown Hare, who was going to bed, held on tight to Big Nutbrown Hare's very long ears. He wanted to be sure that Big Nutbrown Hare was listening.

"Guess how much I love you," he said. "Oh, I don't think I could guess that," said Big Nutbrown Hare. "This much, said Little Nutbrown Hare, stretching out his arms as wide as they could go.

Big Nutbrown Hare had even longer arms. "But I love you this much," he said. Hmm, that is a lot, thought Little Nutbrown Hare. "I love you as high as I can reach," said Little Nutbrown Hare. "I love you as high as I can reach," said Big Nutbrown Hare. That is very high, thought Little Nutbrown Hare. I wish I had arms like that.

Then Little Nutbrown Hare had a good idea. He tumbled upside down and reached up the tree trunk with his feet. "I love you all the way up to my toes," he said. "And I love you all the way up to your toes," said Big Nutbrown Hare, swinging him up over his head.

"I love you as high as I can hop!" laughed Little Nutbrown Hare, bouncing up and down. "But I love you as high as I can hop," smiled Big Nutbrown Hare--and he hopped so high that his ears touched the branches above. That's good hopping, thought Little Nutbrown Hare.

I wish I could hop like that.

"I love you all the way down the lane as far as the river,"cried Little Nutbrown Hare. "I love you across the river and over the hills," said Big Nutbrown Hare. That's very far, thought Little Nutbrown Hare. He was almost too sleepy to think anymore. Then he looked beyond the thornbushes, out into the big dark night. Nothing could be further away than the sky.

"I love you right up to the moon," he said, and closed his eyes. "Oh, that's far," said Big Nutbrown Hare. "That is very, very far." Big Nutbrown Hare settled Little Nutbrown Hare into his bed of leaves. He leaned over him and kissed him good night. Then he lay down close by and whispered with a smile,

"I love you right up to the moon-- and back."

(If you would like to celebrate Tyler's birthday with us, please read the words of that story to your own child or someone you love. Squeeze them a little tighter and love them more than ever...)

Tonight...

Mike and I went back to the hospital where we had Tyler. We wanted to just deliver a couple Christmas cards and trays of cookies. It was one of those things that we wanted to do, but probably dreaded at the same time. We wanted to show appreciation for the MANY awesome and caring nurses we had in labor and delivery and in the NICU there. It seemed to bring back more memories for Mike than it did for me. I'm sure that's due to the fact that most of my memories were confined to the hospital room; whereas, Mike was out and about the hospital more during those days.

The nurses were appreciative, and it was random timing, so we weren't sure which nurses or doctors we would see. Unfortunately, we did not see our "faves." Still though, I'm glad we went. I feel like each little thing like that is a moment of healing for us.

I will tell more of his story of "Six Days" sometime soon. Right now, I'm directing my heart to my sister. Please keep her in your prayers.

My Sister

Please be in prayer about Missy's next oncology appt. It's this Thursday, and she will find out if the chemo is working or not. I would REALLY appreciate it!!!

The Days of December

Tyler's Ornament: Given December 2007

I can't believe so much time has gone by since I've written on this blog, and even more so, I can't believe that it is December already....and nearing the one year birthday and anniversary of the passing of my baby boy. In some ways it feels like it was yesterday, and it some ways it feels like a lifetime ago.

In losing a child, you don't just grieve the time you had together, you grieve all the moments that you'll never have. That's what makes grieving a lifelong process. There will always be moments when I think "Tyler would have been here."

I have really been okay with my friends' babies, and with holding them, and being sincerely happy for them. It's the random things that get me sometimes. Like walking through Old Navy and spotting that baby blue section that I used to browse. Or being in a grocery store and hearing a baby cry from 5 aisles away...the sound almost haunts me.

And now in December, it's the crisp cold air that brings his memories back even more. It's the twinkle of a Christmas light and the smell of our woodstove that bring back that ache in my heart and remind me of what I once had.

And in case you may wonder, with his anniversary approaching...you may feel at a loss for what to do. You can do or say whatever you're comfortable with...no one needs to feel like they need magic words for me. I'm okay with people talking to me about him. I'm always okay with that. I may not always be in the mood for a question though or a "how are you dealing with things." It's nothing personal...although I enjoy talking and sharing about him, sometimes questions force you to process something that a statement does not. I appreciate though any words of remembrance, thoughts or prayers that people have offered recently. It lets me know that he has not been forgotten...as that's my fear that he will be.

There has been so much on my heart and mind that I would like to write about on here. So many moments of healing, so many things I've learned, and so many moments that I've just missed my little boy. But mostly, it's the learning to let go of the pain, and instead holding on more tightly to the joy of the moments. It's been about the moving on from the "what-if's" and the "why's" and just letting the peace of God fill those spaces instead. It's been about me choosing to believe in the dark what I had always known in the light.

I have told a lot of his story on here, but I have yet to tell the story of "Six Days." It's taken me a while, but I'd like to give a bigger glimpse of our unforgettable time with him. I know all this may feel heavy to read, but it will be from my heart...and I don't know any other way to tell it.

Missy's Chemo Week

Please stay updated by going to my sister's blog. She is almost 3 days in to her 5 days of hospitalized chemotherapy.

So far no nausea, which is great! Above all, please keep praying that the chemo will be effective in kicking this cancer!

Thank you!!

PS The link above should work now! Just fixed it...

Real Faith

How can you keep on believing and trusting a God after every knockout blow in life? After every piece of bad news, every struggle...how can one really keep the faith and keep believing after that?

I'll let my sister Melissa answer that one for you...

She wrote this the next day after a pretty bad scare related to her lymphoma, during which she was rushed to the hospital by ambulance.

This is what she wrote on her blog:

"I am resting in knowing that our God does not change. Although the circumstances of my life have changed, He is the same today as He was seven months ago when this storm began. I trust Him today with my whole heart, and I am believing that He is going to carry me through this. "

PLEASE PRAY NOW

My sister Missy is an ambulance on her way to the hospital as we speak. She was coughing up blood and called 911

Please pray for her!!!!!

Visit her blog!

10 Months, Sweet Baby

It's hard to believe...

Today our sweet baby Tyler Michael would have been 10 months old.

Sometimes it feels like it was years ago when we saw him last, but then when I close my eyes, I can remember him so clearly. I can remember standing over his little bed and studying everything about him. Down to his cute little toes. I loved watching him wiggle and raise his little hand, and then I loved lowering my finger to his hand so he would grip on. These and so many more are memories tucked into my heart forever.

It's amazing how we can miss so much about him; we only knew him for that short time.

I remember shortly after the funeral, smelling his hospital blanket...and somehow I could still smell him. I held it to my face and sobbed. I remember feeling that the overwhelming, sick feeling was never going to go away. Everyone told me that with time, it would get better. At that moment, I didn't want that. I didn't want his sweet memory to grow distant, to get fainter. I wanted everything about him to be so fresh on my mind.

But it's true...the days and months have taken us further physically from those precious times. I close my eyes and it takes me a little while longer to remember the details. But they still come back to me...further from my mind, but not from my heart. And though there may be tears, my heart smiles now when I think of him.

My Sweet Baby Boy~ Even after 10 months, we could not be more proud of a baby. You were perfect in every way. But Tyler, now you are even more perfect...perfectly whole and well in heaven. I've seen you in my mind many times and what age I imagine you to be... I imagine you being 8 or 9 and running, playing... Daddy and I pray that God lets you know how much we love you, our sweet boy.

You decide...

Look carefully at these pictures, for they are not pictures I share casually.

Are they pictures of a baby? Of course they are.

See how he grips my finger.

Even at only 25 weeks gestation.

Imagine his soft cries instantly being calmed when he heard his mommy's voice speak to him during his first days. My proudest, happiest moment. He knew me. And often in his first few days, he would stretch his little hand up as I spoke.

Only 25 weeks gestation, but a baby that knew his mommy and daddy and clung to us as much as he could.

So is it my right to unnecessarily kill him while he lies there?

No, that would be called murder, and I would be in jail right now.

But if I kill him while he's still within, or partially within, the safety of my body, then that is okay?? Really?

I have had this opinion long before I ever had the blessing of meeting my baby boy. Whatever you do, don't fool yourself by thinking my strong opinion stems from the traumatic loss of my child. However, I am now one of many who has come face to face with such a little one...a baby that came before their due time. I saw how he was virtually breathing on his own his first couple of days. I saw how he was a normal baby, just minus a few pounds.

And he was born during my second trimester.

Think about it. Look at the facts for yourselves and see the ways abortions are performed. And that's a woman's right, really? If you agree with that, do you have any idea how these are performed and to what age they will perform them to?? They could potentially be performed through third trimester.

Forget passionate opinions. I read the straight facts myself from the American Pregnancy Association website. I wanted to read the unbiased material of how abortions are performed, and it was enough to make me sick.

Knowing people call that a woman's right.... Does the baby have any rights? No, they wouldn't, because they are silent and dependant on the protection from the one carrying them.


I noticed that they often just referred to the baby as "pregnancy tissue." Call me crazy, but my pregnancy tissue comes really close to resembling a baby.

Look at the pictures of Tyler yourself, and tell me if that is simply a fetus, pregnancy tissue. How does its location determine whether it is a valid life, worth saving or obviously worth killing?

I don't understand how we have become so desensitized to this whole concept that we easily refer to it as a woman's rights, and close the discussion.

I believe in women's rights, trust me. But this one does not qualify.

I won't bother describing in detail the many ways the lives of these living, dependant babies are ended. You read and find out for yourself.

American Pregnancy Association

If you are pro-choice, and you decided against reading the above unbiased information, I don't mean this harshly, but please ask yourself why.

Keep whatever opinions you want. But whenever you talk about our women's rights, I hope you remember these pictures. Remember the bond you see happening even at 25 weeks and remember...

He was a baby.

Peace in the Storm

Please read the update about my sister and, if you are willing, pray for her and her family--

www.danceintherainmelissa.blogspot.com

It seems my family's boat is rocking some more...but I have to say that I have such an incredible peace in my heart right now. I mentioned it in the previous post below, that being a Christian doesn't mean that you are shielded from crap happening in your life. It just means that you have handed to you such amazing peace that you cannot even describe...peace filling the spaces where anger and bitterness could easily take over instead. And this is peace that I cannot take an ounce of credit for.

We would appreciate your prayers for her right now... prayers for rest for her and Doug, and for the kids to have a sense of normalcy and security through this all.

"And the peace of God, which passes all understanding, will guard your hearts and minds through Him." ~Philipians 4:7

Open the Eyes of My Heart

I recently emailed an out-of-state friend, just to vent to her about how it's so tiring for life to be so hard all the time. She emailed me back, and it was just exactly what I needed to hear.

Sometimes as Christians, we feel like we can't admit the times along the way when it's really hard to believe there's a plan for all this. At least it's hard for me to admit that. I can tell anyone when I'm struggling with life...I've never had a problem being open. But what's hard is saying that I have a hard time believing and trusting God through all this. I debated about even sharing this, as I don't want it to be used to tear down someone's faith, or solidify someone's beliefs who doesn't believe there's even a God in the first place. But, I've realized I want to be open about it. This is real life, and the journey of a Christian who's clinging to what she does believe in her heart.... Things aren't always easy on this road of life. I guess that's why we're human, and God is our loving heavenly Father. There will be times that I stumble and fall, and that can get pretty overwhelming when that becomes all I focus on.

Last Sunday at church, they sang "Open the eyes of my heart, Lord..." When I'm looking around with just my eyes, I see disappointment. I see major loss. I see what my arms should be holding. I see daily struggles that can just weigh one down until they feel like they're drowning in it. It's so easy for the eyes of our hearts to become closed due to bitterness, doubt and anger. But as I sang that song last Sunday, I felt the eyes of my heart open again. Eyes that can see more and further and a much bigger picture than my physical eyes can see. I felt a little glimmer of peace again. It's so easy to get caught up in the little disappointments and the BIG ones, and not remember that He is working all things together for good.

And that's what helps me deal with the anger and the doubt.

My friend that I emailed said that when we go though times in our life when we have doubt, that God sends us people that will help to carry our faith for us...until we can step back up and believe again. How blessed I am to have friends like that. Thank you, my sweet friend Debbie, and my friends here in Pa that have done that for me. Thank you for not only thinking of me, but for standing by us and praying for us every step of the way. Those prayers will be working in our lives for a long time.

I was thinking during that church service how we were never promised that bad things would not happen to us. But we are promised that God will help to carry us through every trouble. We are promised peace in the storm. I pray that the eyes to my heart stay open to see the bigger picture. I pray that all of this is used to make me stronger than I ever was before.

"Be confident in this, that He who began a good work in you will be faithful to complete it." Phil. 1:6

Please read...

a message from my sister...

www.danceintherainmelissa.blogspot.com

My Sister

It really doesn't matter in the long run if I ever see those necklaces again or not. I'm instantly reminded of more important things after talking with my bro-in-law Doug tonight. Today, my sister went to the cancer center in Indy as opposed to the one in her previous hometown in Dayton. The new cancer center rearranged the order of the medicine during this treatment, making her more nauseous then she's ever been. She's been vomiting since then, and I hope she's able to sleep now.

If you are willing, please pray for her. It's hard to see someone you love go through this. I wish I could still help her, but I am thankful that she has a friend with her helping with her family right now.

A Downhill-Only Roller Coaster

You know, usually the good thing about life being a roller coaster ride is that it's equally full of the good and bad moments. That would be why right now, at this moment in time, I'm comparing my life (lately) to what feels like a roller coaster that doesn't seem to know how to go back up.

I don't blog to get pity or sypmathy, and I definitely do appreciate true care and concern. I'm a pretty straight shooter with explaining how I feel, so I'm not going to stop being honest now.

I'm really asking lately...why is all this crap happening to me??? Is there really a plan to all this?

Let me re-cap for you, and again, NOT trying to get pity here...

* Lost my baby boy in December.
* Student died in February.
* Sister diagnosed with Lymphoma in April.
* Dad continues to have Parkinson-like illness that remains undiagnosable, therefore
untreatable.
* While leaving Indy last week, found out my dad fell and shattered his upper arm,
requiring surgery. (Yes, the fall could have been worse.)
* While staying overnight with my dad in the hospital, my car gets broken into in the
parking lot. (Sure, kick me while I'm down.)

And wait, it gets even better--

* Didn't care much about most of the stolen items, but was devastated to see that
they stole a necklace my sister Miss gave me for my birthday. It had Tyler's
name etched on the silver pendant and the word "miracle" on the back. They also
took my mustard seed necklace that a friend gave to me in December. I'm not a
diamonds and pearls kind of girl, but those things meant a lot to me.

So, I can feel my boat rocking a lot, and I'm asking questions now... Is there any purpose to all of this? No, I'm not forever turning bitter, I'm just being honest.

I've trusted God's plan through all this, and sometimes it's just down-right scarey to think of what He may have planned next. Sometimes, I do feel like a walking target. No, I don't feel like this all the time...most of the time I know that there is purpose to it all, and I remind myself of my verse-- Jeremiah 29:11.

But right now, I'm just tired. I felt beaten down over the weekend and I'm still feeling it somewhat now. I don't have an inspiration-filled post, just an honest one.

I'm ready for the roller coaster to go up.

And I want my necklaces back, you little redneck jerk.

My Love

Too much to say for a miniscule post on my blog, but I will say this...

I am so thankful for a husband who supported me in spending the last 5 weeks away from him, as I helped my sister. Even though saying goodbye was painful, he never doubted that that was where I needed to be.

And I am even more thankful to be back with him now.

Life With My Sister

Since I'm with my sister in Ohio right now, most of my posting will be on her blog-- www.danceintherainmelissa.blogspot.com. I do have several things though that I want to write and post about here, so that will be coming hopefully soon.

For now, I'll leave you with this--

Aunt Jenn + pulling sister's kids in wagon + 5 mile walk to lake + 95 degrees (for real) = NOT GOOD

Fun times!

In Christ Alone by Geoff Moore

Someone just passed on this song to me...I love it.

These words are from the first verse--

"This cornerstone, this solid ground,
Firm through the fiercest drought and storm.
What heights of love, what depths of peace,
When fears are stilled, when strivings cease!"

What amazing peace we can have when we set aside our own fears and strivings! When we let him pull us out of the raging waters, out of the fiercest storm. Why is it sometimes I refuse to be pulled out, so I stay in those raging waters? But when I do pray to be raised out of the storm, that's what the power of Christ can do. I'm on the cornerstone, feet firmly planted. I can still see the raging waters and feel the winds on my face, but I'm no longer drowning... (Of course, sometimes I do fall back in the water... a lot.)

More words from the song...

"No guilt in life, no fear in death—
This is the pow'r of Christ in me;
From life's first cry to final breath,
Jesus commands my destiny."

I used to struggle with a lot of guilt about Tyler's death. It was my faulty body that gave out on him. Of course, I didn't choose to do it...I know that. But try telling that to a mother who's looking at her newborn baby...a newborn baby who was perfectly healthy until his mommy's body would no longer keep him in. I remember the nurses were so sweet talking to me about this, as I was really having a hard time seeing him for the first time. So much healing has happened with this, only through the power of Christ...

Before losing Tyler, I used to have a huge fear of death. I can't explain how irrational it was. My fear has been that I or Mike would die in a car accident. I have no fear anymore. Mike and I held Tyler as he took his final breaths. All in the same moment, we felt incurable pain, uncontrollable tears, then the silence of peace. I remember feeling peace in that room. And I feel it again when I close my eyes and remember being there in that moment with our son. Now, I said I have no more fear of death...but I definitely don't have a death wish either! I have a lot of living to do, but it will be living without the fear of things that once bound me. I am thankful for the life of Tyler and the time with him as he passed away that taught me this! I am thankful for that time.

Untouched

(First of all, I have to say that Mike's face is really not twice the size of mine as it appears. That's what happens when you're the one standing closer to the wide angle lens. Just trust me on this one.)

The other day I found myself staring at this photo on my fridge. Mike walked in and looked at me strangely, then I laughed and realized how odd I looked...seemingly entranced by my refrigerator door.

I was really staring at this picture though. This photo of me and Mike was taken several years ago. We had been married for probably 3 years, but had no idea of any future fertility issues.

What drew me in was noticing how untouched by life we seemed to be in this picture-- just pure joy, giddy love, and carefree spirits. How quickly we can so be robbed of those things by life's struggles and challenges. I know we all face them. I feel I will only be forever robbed of those things IF I allow it to happen.

It's definitely not a one-time decision to not let this happen. Sometimes I have to decide every day that I won't let my situation forever rob me of my own life and of loving life. It's just like asking God for help and for peace. That's not a one-time deal either. I ask again and again. I definitely can't do it on my own.

So would I return to the day of that picture if I could to replace life now? Honestly? No way.

I've learned too much from all this. Learned to not take sooo many things for granted that I have before. Learned that we may not always get what we pray for...but that's still an answer...an answer we may understand in our lifetime, but maybe not. I've learned that our God is really not this vindictive thing that just zaps people left and right. He sees more and knows more than our human minds can understand.

And more importantly, I've gained too much from this whole situation. We gained Tyler and the memories of those six, glorious days. These struggles usually make or break a marriage, and I'm so thankful that it's made mine and brought Mike and me so much closer. Words can't even explain how awesome he's been through all this, but that's probably another post for another time...

These are things that I wouldn't trade for anything...not even for being "untouched" again.

Tyler's Journal

I'm still piecing together Tyler's scrapbook. I decided to add a few journal entries (from my pregnancy journal) into the scrapbook also. I've kept this one close in my heart for months now, but finally decided to share it now. I only dated it as December 2007 at the time, leaving a blank for the day, but never went back to fill it in.

December 2007

Sweet Baby,

I just wanted to say that
I love to feel you move.
Daddy says I'm lucky that I
get to feel you move often.
He'll be so excited to feel you
move too. He thought he felt
you move around 17 weeks,
but he wasn't sure.

Many times, I'll be wondering
if you are okay--when I've
not felt you move for a little
while. Right at those moments,
you give me just a little kick
or thump, as if to say--

"It's okay, Mommy.
I'm fine and
I'll see you soon."

Of course I didn't know it at the time, but this would be my last journal entry written while I was still pregnant. Little did I know, in just a few days I would be seeing my sweet baby way sooner than I had ever hoped or expected. How I miss those little kicks of my precious baby...

Grief

Sometimes I get the impression that there is a theory floating out there that believes that there comes a time when you "get over it." You let go of the memory and move on. You quit talking about it. You stop wondering, questioning certain things, and wishing for a different end to the story. But truthfully, that's not how it works.

Acceptance really is not a one-time deal, at least not for me in my situation. Each day I accept that this is where we are now. Yes, I wish he were here, but he's not. I have to accept that... again and again.

At the beach recently, we all went out for dinner one night. As we were walking around, I was well aware that there should have been a stroller in front of me. But there wasn't.

There is some healing that comes from being able to say-- "This is where we are now." Acceptance, over and over again. But hopefully, the days that I remind myself to accept will space further and further apart.

Thankfully, the questioning is not overtaking my days anymore, and the wishing does not leave me sobbing every time as it once did. From the start, we prayed that we would remember our sweet baby with joy someday and less pain...and we've been getting there.

Every grieving person, no matter the situation, deserves the unconditional permission to process and deal with their own unexplainable loss. Grief is one of those things that doesn't come with a neat, little instruction manual...

but it does come with a God who is willing to carry you through it.

So I Might Get a Tattoo...

Yeah, you heard me.

Those of you who think you know me may be surprised right now...

No, I'm not thinking about getting the rose or butterfly on the ankle (although I thought about those in high school/early college, and I'm SO glad I didn't as they are slightly overused.)

What I'm considering has deep meaning to me. I'm sure you'll understand--

A pair of tiny footprints, actually copied from Tyler's birth certificate, etched on my chest right over my heart.

I've already talked to Mike. He's good with it and might do it too.

Tattoo or not, though, he will be on and in my heart forever.

My Sister's Update

Please go to my sister's blog to see her good news! Thanks for your prayers for her!!!

www.danceintherainmelissa.blogspot.com

My Sister

After more spots were found on her lung recently, Missy will be having another PET scan this Friday morning at 9:00 am. Please pray that the doctors will be able to identify these spots and that they won't interfere with her progress! THANK YOU!

I'm not sure when we'll get results...possibly Monday.

www.danceintherainmelissa.blogspot.com

Encouraging Message

Do you need peace in your life? Feel like you need to know God more than you do, but somehow you doubt...you fear...you can't let go of your own ideas. I have been there. I've done all those things, and trust me, nothing feels sweeter than letting go of my fears that are surrounding me and trusting that there's more to it all. Our loving Heavenly Father knows my life, and he is controlling the "Bigger Picture" that I so easily lose sight of.

Please read this...a message written by Pastor Rick Lawrenson of Nags Head Church, North Carolina. He is also the father-in-law of Tricia whom I posted about yesterday. What a great reminder that I needed to hear...

"Human nature is finite as is our natural comprehension of life and all that goes with it. When life throws us curves it is our natural tendency to react with anxiety and fear. That's normal.

This morning I'll sit at a table and peer out over the Atlantic Ocean. A relatively few miles away will be the extent of my ability to see. The horizon in my sight is the limit. But I know that the ocean goes much farther to my east - all the way to other lands in Europe and Africa. I just can't see them. It was that limited vision that brought our forefathers to the conclusion that the earth was flat, and that if you ever hit that edge of the world you would fall off.

How silly is that theory to us today? But it was a real, natural conclusion because of their limited sight and experience. Then one day a "new world" was discovered and the fear of falling from a flat earth was vanquished by new vision and the experience of standing on a previously unseen soil.

How is it that Nathan and Tricia can hear the words "cancer" and "lymphoma" and not have their spirits plummet into angst? When people ask me and I tell them and then say, "But this is just a bump in their road", they look at me like I'm nuts. It's the "C word for Pete's sake!".

That depends on the size of your picture; on whether or not you think the boundaries of your ability to see are the edge of your world or that there are new worlds to discover. Tricia and Nathan's picture has been greatly enlarged by two factors: faith and experience. They've gone over the horizon more than once, trusting in Someone whose vision is infinite to lead them. And they've discovered that however fearful that next step may be, there is a new world beyond what they can see.

Don't let the horizons in your sight fool you. Hoist the sails, take the risks and turn over the wheel to the Pilot who sees eternally.

The picture is bigger than you think."

*Copied with permission from the website of Rick Lawrenson (www.nagsheader.blogspot.com)

Tricia Lawrenson

This couple has inspired me tremendously... and they are in need of your prayers now. The day I came home from the hospital after losing Tyler, I came across the blog of Nathan Lawrenson. His wife, Tricia has cystic fibrosis. She was on her way to receiving her potentially life-saving double lung transplant when she found out she was pregnant. She was able to carry their baby girl to 23 weeks when surgery became necessary to save both the baby and Tricia. Their baby Gwyneth has thrived and is out of the NICU now, and Tricia received her double lung transplant. However, now Tricia is experiencing PTLD (post transplant lymphoma disorder), something very common to transplant patients. I'm not sure yet of her prognosis, and she just started her chemo treatments today for her cancer. This couple has inspired me to put my faith into action and to trust God no matter the circumstances going on in my life. Please pray for them right now... and if you need some inspiration in your own life, check it out...

www.cfhusband.blogspot.com

Father's Day...A Reflection

I'll admit it, folks. I was dreading it.

More than I was dreading Mother's Day for myself.

As most people, I'd rather not see someone I love with their heart hurting. I just hoped and prayed it would not be too sad for Mike. Oh...Father's Day happened to fall on his birthday too this year. Did I mention that? Double whammy. It actually turned out to be a pretty good day after all. There were so many times though, that I couldn't help but imagine what this day would have been like... Mike having his first Father's Day and birthday while showing off our baby boy. It could have been so different, but this is how it is now. Acceptance of all this has filled us. We prayed for God's peace in our lives, and we got it. It's not peace that everything will always be fine and dandy, but it's peace knowing that we will make it through.

Let me tell you, Mike was an awesome father in his 6 days. So proud to be a Daddy! I'll never forget waking up after my C-section, groggy and blurry-eyed, to a photo of our beautiful boy that Mike was holding for me to see. The memory of Mike reading Tyler his first story...I wish I had gotten video footage of it, but it's forever engrained in my memory. "I'll love you to the moon and back," Mike said. And somehow I knew, as I watched in tears, that that was the only time we would get to read that story to our son. But ohhh so much joy.... smiles that come to our faces even now as we remember those times.

I'm grateful for some of the random friends at church Sunday that wished Mike a happy father's day. That meant a lot to him. We understand that most of the time, people don't know what to say...and that's okay too. Trust me, we've been on that side of things before too. To us though, Tyler will always be a part of our family. Yes, we've been able to let go of some of the pain that once overwhelmed us. But that doesn't mean that we let go of Baby Ty, of the fact that we are his Mommy and Daddy...that will always be. Time moves forward and takes us and life to new things, but this will always be.

And Mike will always be the greatest Daddy I've ever seen.

New Blog for Melissa!

I felt like I wasn't doing my sister justice, just posting a snippet for her every now and then on this blog. So, she now has her own blog that I'll be running for her. I'm excited about this, because I really hope that each and every comment will be a source of encouragement for her. And it will be a good way to keep everyone updated on her progress. Please check it out, and feel free to drop her a word, even if you just want to say hi!

Hope it can give even a glimpse of the awesome person she is!

http://www.danceintherainmelissa.blogspot.com/

Since Her Last Chemo Treatment...

...she is still doing well!! I actually travelled out to be with her for a few days after her last chemo treatment. She is doing SOOO well though! I 'fessed up when I saw her that I was expecting her to be frail and not as energetic, but she really is the opposite. She is going strong, running out to do some errands today. She is taking streroids, and that helps with her energy level. I'm so happy to see that the chemo has not made her really sick yet. Now I am really praying that the chemo will be doing its job and will get rid of the lymphoma. She will be having a test in a couple weeks to see if the lymphoma is responding to the chemo or not.

Another thing... have I mentioned that she shaved her head?? She's SO brave. Her hair had begun falling out, and she didn't want to wait for it to just fall out completely, so she buzzed it off completely. She also planned to let the kids help do it too, so it would not be scarey for them. Let me tell you... if one can still look absolutely beautiful with a shaved head... you know they truly are a beautiful person. Somehow, she can pull it off. Have you seen Demi Moore in the movie GI Jane before?? Miss looks way better than her even, with her bright, beautiful, blue eyes.

I just asked her if she'd let me post a picture. She said yes...if we can try to get a good one. I better start taking pictures, so you can see her for yourself!

Chemo... Round Two...Please Pray!!!

Today my sister had her second round of chemo. She did so incredibly well after her first round. She had a bad headache for a couple days, and had to take some nausea medicine, but she still did very well after that. We are praying that the same thing continues for her this time too. Please join me in praying for that, and more importantly, in praying that this is curing her cancer in the meantime. We would appreciate it so much, and I know Melissa would too!

Sweet Dreams, Little Man

To help us through our painful times, God gives us what we need when we need it. The evening of the same day that Tyler died, Mike and I crossed paths at the top of our stairs. In that spot is the only view of the sunset from our house. There we stood in awe and in tears, thanking God and Tyler for giving us the most beautiful sunset we have ever seen. We were too overwhelmed to even stop to take a picture... but I'm amazed that right at that moment, our neighbors did take a picture. We found out two weeks later when they brought this picture to our door. This is just as we saw it...no Photoshop color enhancing done here. Maybe someday, I'll get someone to remove the power lines for me, but I love it just like this right now. Untouched by man, this was straight from the Master Artist himself...amazing proof that He plans to comfort us and not to hurt us. Although I didn't then and still don't understand the plan, at that moment I felt my first glimmer of peace in all this.

So maybe this shows how God felt when He received my precious boy...

Maybe it was Tyler's way of telling us not to be sad...

All I know is Mike and I both stood there, thanked God, and said, "We love you too, Tyler."

Sweet Dreams, Little Man....

Memorial Service Tomorrow

Tomorrow our hospital is having a memorial service for all the babies and children that passed away in 2007. I'm sure our little Tyler's life will be one of many that will be remembered there. Mike and I both admitted tonight that we are dreading it, although we know we need to and want to go to it. In some ways, time has removed some of the pain, but in an instant our hearts can be taken right back to where we were that cold, December day...holding our baby in his last moments...silence deafening...tears falling... love surrounding his little being... the first time and last time we were able to hold him in his six days. Tomorrow we will be back in the town where the hospital was and will be remembering him and thanking God for even our short time with him.

As always... God is good!!!

I have great news... results from the PET scan are in. Missy's lymphoma sounds like it is pretty well confined to that one area in her chest cavity and her spleen. And add in yesterday's news that it's not in her bone marrow!! I am soooooo thankul about that! Thank you, God, and thank you for your prayers. THANK YOU to you who have taken a moment to comment here about your prayers that are being lifted up for her. She does read this almost daily, so I know she really appreciates the comments and prayes too!!

She said her first chemo treatment went well, and she's definitely glad to have the first session over with. She did not have any adverse reactions to the drugs, which is obviously good. I think she said that she and Doug went to the store right afterward. Now we are praying that the chemo cures the lymphoma, while not making her extremely sick at the same time.

Again, thanks from all of us for your prayers!

Praising God...in all times!

Pray...her chemo starts

Tomorrow morning at 10 am, my sister will begin her first chemo treatment. I just got off the phone with her, and she said she's really not nervous. She'll just be happy to get this first one over with and out of the way. Please pray that she continues to have peace and not be anxious...or maybe I should ask that you do that for the rest of us, as she seems to be doing fine! Her strength and peace really is contagious for the rest of us. And, we know that God will be the Great Physician taking care of her tomorrow. Thank you for your prayers for her, because obviously they are helping. We appreciate it so much!

Thankfulness... In All Times

This is a topic I have wanted to write about for some time, and just could not find the words to match my thoughts. Please know this is not meant to sound judgemental at the different ways we all handle stress or sorrow. There is not a wrong way...we each handle things in our own personal ways. This is just a revelation that I have had and wanted to share, and I'm sure that I will be re-reading this post later to remind myself of the truth when I am not quite feeling it myself...

As humans, it is easy for us to proclaim in the happiest of times how good our God is. We hold off our praise until we get the answer we want, then we say, "God is awesome!!" What do we do then when times get rough? Do we cower and run or shake our fists angrily in His face? I have been there. I am all for being honest with God...question him all you want. Get angry. Let him know. He knows our most inward thoughts anyway, so what have we to hide? Of course, pain is not fun...losing a child goes beyond words. Finding out my sister has cancer is beyond shocking and frightening. If Jesus can take the good and the bad in His own life, shouldn't I then too??

It seems that the bad times really are the true test of faith. Again, it doesn't mean that we need to always smile and act cheery as we endure hardship. If I believe that God is awesome when my life seems to go so smoothly and perfectly, then I must believe that He is the same awesome God when the storm is rocking my boat. He does not change although my surrounding circumstances have. So if I am ever quick to shout that my God is so good when the seas are calm and beautiful, I hope I will still shout it as the storm rages on. I can honestly say that my sister Melissa has found the strength to do this right now...as her song is "Praise You in This Storm."

As people around me have their families and live out seemingly perfectly smooth days, I hear some say that they are so blessed. And indeed they are. But sometimes, the blessings from God go beyond the known circumstances that meet the human eye. I may not be receiving the specific blessings I want at the moment I ask for them, but I am still so blessed in so many other ways. Sometimes we become so focused on the blessings we are not getting, only to then miss the blessings that we are receiving.

Even now, as I order my son's gravestone, I too am blessed.

As I pray for my sister's chemo appointment tomorrow, I trust God to take care of her because He IS awesome!

I know God lovingly holds our past and our future, because He is good.

He raises us up from our circumstances, and places us high on that rock...so even though I see storm waves raging, I am not in them. They are all around me, but I'm not drowning. That's when we can lift our heads from sorrow and say--

"Yes, God, even now... we are blessed."

This post is dedicated to my Little Sis, who exemplifies this attitude that I strive for and inspires me to do the same. Love you, Miss.

*I just found out after posting all the above, that my sister's cancer is NOT in her bone marrow! Thank you, God!! Yes, just as you were five minutes ago, you are STILL good!!

Meet My Sister

Just wanted you all to meet the person you are praying for...

the person I am proud to call my Sister~

This is Missy with her husband Doug,

daughter Lauren,

and son Caleb.

It was taken at Lauren's first birthday party in 2006.

Mom and Missy

Mom's birthday, July '06

Never Underestimate My Jesus

I really enjoyed a phone conversation I had with my sister tonight--she never ceases to amaze me! She was telling me all about her PET scan experience, including the injecting of the slightly scarey, radioactive element before the scan. The nurse asked her if she could set a radio to a station she would enjoy. Missy asked for a Christian music station that she really enjoys, but to no avail, as there was too much static. The nurse then told her she would probably like a CD that they had available there of a mix of Christian contemporary songs. The nurse set up the CD, helped get Miss comfortable, then left.

Then Missy told me how silly she must have looked from that point on. She said that many songs were so encouraging to her, that she was lying there with a smile on her face for much of the time. She said her favorite was a song she hadn't heard before called "Never Underestimate My Jesus."

Well, Sis, I found it for ya...I hope this is the one. Turn up your speaker because it's playing right now too! Enjoy... love you!

Never Underestimate My Jesus

by Reliant K

Am I at the point of no improvement?

What of the death I still dwell in?

I try to excel, but I feel no movement.

Can I be free of this unreleasable sin?

Never underestimate my Jesus.

You're telling me that there's no hope.

I'm telling you, you're wrong.

Never underestimate my Jesus.

When the world around you crumbles,

he will be strong.He will be strong.

I throw up my hands."Oh, the impossibilities."

Frustrated and tired,where do I go from here?

Now I'm searching for the confidence I've lost so willingly.

Overcoming these obstacles is overcoming my fears.

I think I can't, I think I can't.

But, I think you can, I think you can.

I think I can't, I think I can't.

But, I think you can, I think you can.

Gather my insufficiencies and place them in your hands.

Place them in your hands.

Place them in your hands

Melissa, My Sister

This post is shared with you with a prayerful heart, with an expectant heart...knowing that our God heals. We found out April 14th that my sister does in fact have lymphoma. She has non-hodgkin's lymphoma, specifically the large b cell type. The grade is intermediate, meaning between low and aggressive. We won't know the stage until she has her PET scan soon. We are hoping that it will be localized in just one area, making it easier to treat. Her chemo treatments are already scheduled for May 6th. I'm planning to take a week from school on May 16 to see her, and I can't wait! Talking on the phone just doesn't cut it right now.

Have I already mentioned how awesome she is?? I know I have...tons of times. She is the strongest one right now out of all of us. In fact, she was concerned about me in how I was doing...knowing how far I am from everything. Can you believe that?? For those of you who know her, I'm sure you can. She's at such peace right now...she describes it as feeling that God is holding her high above the waves below, and she's not lettin' go.

Please...I'm asking all of you right now... pray with me. It doesn't matter if you are a stranger or close friend. Please just pray that the chemo treatments will be completely effective. Please pray that the lymphoma will be in an early stage. Please pray that Missy and Doug will continue to feel themselves tight in His grasp right now. Thanks to any and all of you who are willing to do this!!!

"Hear my cry, Oh God; listen to my prayer.

From the ends of the earth I call to you,

when my heart is overwhelmed...

Lead me to the rock that is higher than I."

Little Sis, God will keep you high on the rock. Sometimes we still feel a splash from a wave, or even one that knocks us down....but our Heavenly Father will pick us back up and keep our feet planted there. And if we look out in the distance past the storm, we can see the sun waiting for us beyond the clouds. I love you!

Hope On...

"For we were saved in this hope.

But hope that is seen is not hope.

For why does one still hope for what he sees?

But if we hope for what we do not see,

we eagerly wait for it with perseverance."

~Romans 8:24-25

Sisters

My two best friends in the world are my sisters. In my mind and heart, we three have always been, and we three will always be. Michelle and I are 6 years apart, and Missy and I are almost 2 years apart. There is a special bond that is very unique to sisters. We still tell secrets, and I can trust them with things that I would tell no one else. They have both laughed endlessly with me, cried with me, prayed with me; and while we are blessed with many priceless friendships--it just doesn't compare.

When we were little and were caught bickering or fighting, Dad would make us hug each other. Yep, that's right...we were forced to hug. Little did Dad know that I was pinching Missy's arm really hard where he couldn't see. He would always tell us how one day we could be living far apart from each other, like his own siblings...and that we needed to love each other and our times together. Of course, I wanted to roll my eyes at that. Now, as I'm 8 hours away from Missy and 10 hours away from Michelle, I realize even more what a treasure they both are. Our times together now are that much more awesome, and we don't take those get-togethers for granted. Yes, we've had our moments as all sisters do, but we will always be just that...

Sisters.

Surgery Update

My sister Melissa came through the surgery really well yesterday. She is a very strong person with an even incredibly stronger faith in God. They did get most of the tumor and sent it to Mayo Clinic for more testing. Please pray that all news will be good. I would sooo appreciate that, and I know she would too. They will find out within 3-7 days... so that would be Friday, at the earliest, or sometime next week. Thank you for your prayers!!

Words of Encouragement

I heard these verses and this quote this weekend, specifically the night of our due date, and wanted to share them with all of you too. I hope it can bring some comfort and encouragement to anyone out there who may be needing it. It was such great timing for me... they could not have been more perfect for what I needed to hear. May you be blessed by them too.

"We were under great pressure, far beyond our ability to endure, so that we despaired even life. Indeed, in our hearts we felt the sentence of death. But this happened that we might not rely on ourselves, but on God, who raises the dead. He has delivered us from such a deadly peril, and He will deliver us. On Him we have set our hope that He will continue to deliver us, as you help us by your prayers. Then many will give thanks on our behalf for the gracious favor granted us in answer to the prayers of many."
~2 Corinthians 1:8-11

"God does not leave us comfortless, but we have to be in dire need of comfort to know the truth of His promise. It is in time of calamity... in days and nights of sorrow and trouble that the presence, the sufficiency, and the sympathy of God grow very sure and very wonderful. Then we find out that the grace of God is sufficient for all our needs, for every problem and for every difficulty, for every broken heart, and for every human sorrow."
~Peter Marshall (1902-1949)

My Sister's Surgery

My sister Melissa will be having surgery this Tuesday morning to remove the tumor they found. So far the news has been that it's benign, but Mayo wanted more tissue to do more testing. The drs decided that surgery is the best way to go right now. Because the tumor is located between her lung and heart, they will be going in through the sternum... just as they would for open-heart surgery. For those who want to, please pray that it goes well, and that the news continues to be good. Thank you!

*Her surgery is scheduled for 7:30 am tomorrow. I wish so badly I could be there with her, but
she is 8 hours away from me. I love you, Little Miss, and will be praying for you all day!!!

Cherish

Baby boy,

As we inch closer to your due date this week of April 4th, this is what I will remember and hold onto...

I will forever be thankful that I was able to experience pregnancy... and all of its beautiful moments. How thankful am I that I had the joy of feeling you move for the first time. And even though you somehow always dodged Daddy's hand, Daddy finally felt you move too when we were in the hospital. I am so thankful for the moment when I first heard the most beautiful sound of your beating heart. I am so thankful for the memory of holding Daddy's hand in utter excitement as we saw on the ultrasound that we were expecting a little boy. I am so thankful for every moment of seeing you, touching you, feeling your strong grasp. I am so thankful for the chance to soothe my own crying child. I am so thankful for our sweet and sacred time of holding you as your spirit flew away and went to heaven. Every moment of those six months and six days...

For all of these things, I will ALWAYS be thankful...

and will forever cherish you.

"Before I held you in my arms, I held you in my heart.

That is where you began, and where you will always be."

(author unknown)

Be Inspired By the Lawrenson Family

Need some major inspiration?
Visit http://www.cfhusband.blogspot.com/. Please pray for this beautiful family...and specifically that Tricia will get the lungs soon that she needs to survive. Their example has encouraged me to trust God more unconditionally, and to know there is a purpose for this place to which He has brought us.

Choosing to Believe

It's in these times, that my emotions and my fears make it hard to have hope for a future family. That's when I have to make a mental choice... to choose to believe... to choose to have hope. So many people have encouraged me by saying they truly do believe that we will have children again someday. I know God is really the only one that truly knows, but still, I receive strength from that encouragement. Just in the past day, I've heard it a few times... even once from someone who commented here. Someone I don't even know, but I thank you just the same. Thank you all for believing at a time when it is really hard for me to believe that.

He Will Carry Me

I heard this song today as I was driving the 8 hour trip back from my sister's house. It was good timing for me. If you've also been wounded in the battle, I hope you feel Him carrying you too.

He Will Carry Me (sung by Mark Schultz)

I call, You hear me
I’ve lost it all
And it’s more than I can bear
I feel so empty
You’re strong I’m weary
I’m holdin’ on
But I feel like givin’ in
But still You’re with me

And even though I’m walkin’ through
The valley of the shadow
I will hold tight to the hand of Him
Whose love will comfort me
And when all hope is gone
And I’ve been wounded in the battle
He is all the strength that I will ever need
And He will carry me

I know I’m broken
But You alone can mend this heart of mine
You’re always with me

And even though I feel so lonely
Like I’ve never been before
You never said it would be easy
But You said you’d see me through the storm

Is there cereal in heaven?

So without even intending to, my heart and mind pick right back up where I left off before the health scare with my sister. I've once again become very aware that this is the time that I would be welcoming my little boy home from the hospital. Tonight I was having a major sob moment about it. I was sitting in the bathroom talking with my sister as she cleaned up the "battle debris" of bath time. I tried to tell my sister through the sobs how tired I am of wondering if I will ever have a baby. "It's been years," I said, "and we came so close." (yeah, at this point I try to not even count, but it's been almost 4 years.) At that moment, my little 4-year old nephew Caleb opened the door and came in, soon followed by 2-year old Lauren. They both just looked at me wide-eyed, then we had the following conversation:

Caleb: Wha'd ya do, Aunt Jenn? (Miss and I laughed, realizing it looked like I got in trouble and was put in time out.) Why ya cryin'?

Me: I'm just sad. That's all, Caleb.

Caleb: Why you sad?

Me: Because I miss my baby Tyler. (The kids know all about him from Miss.)

Caleb: Why you miss him?

Me: Because he's in heaven now, and he's not with me. (I'm still trying to stop crying through this conversation at this point.)

Caleb: Tywer (Tyler) will come back to see you though?

Me: No, not anymore, sweetie.

Caleb: But Aunt Jenn, Tywer's with Jesus now?

Me: Yep, he's with Jesus.

Caleb: Oh. Is there cereal in heaven?

Me: Oh, I'm sure there's all kinds of yummy cereal in heaven.

Caleb: Are there wights (lights) in heaven too? (Apparantly he's afraid of the dark these days.)

Me: Yes, there are beautiful lights in heaven.

After that, cute Caleb just nodded, grabbed his toy, and exited the room. My neice, however, stuck around and dabbed at my tears with a washcloth. Too sweet. Oh, to be able to think with the simple mind of a child. Baby "Tywer" is with Jesus... he has cereal and lights, and somehow that was all Caleb needed to know. But for me, at this moment, my heart still gapes open.

Thank you, Caleb and Lauren, for being your cute, sweet selves. Aunt Jenn loves you both.

Good news!

Mayo Clinic said there's no evidence of cancer cells in the tumor! They do want to do more testing though and will either do another biopsy or surgery. Surgery is not my sister's top choice, as the procedure would be like an open-heart surgery with a big recovery time. Mayo also said that it is acute and chronic inflammation with fibrosis. I think... in other words... there was an infection, inflammation, making the tumor. Thanks for your thoughts and prayers!

Monday's the Day...

of sadness or celebration--but either way, it will be with complete trust in God. I found out today that we will definitely find out on Monday whether or not my sister's tumor is cancer or not. Again, we would sooo appreciate your prayers about this!! It's the uncertainty and fear of the unknown that is so scarey, and so we place it in the hands of the One who does know. I always have to remind myself the second part we often leave out of trusting is to also do the resting. If we say we do trust God's plan for our lives, then we must hand it completely to Him and not worry about it. Sooooo much easier said than done. Trust and Rest. So I'm telling myself now...Rest in knowing that whatever the answer is, it will somehow be the best thing. But am I still wholeheartedly putting in my request to the Lord?? You bet!

Happy 3-Month Birthday, Sweet Baby

Baby Boy~

It is hard to believe that it has been 3 whole months since the first time we heard your sweet cry. What we would give to hear that again... but that is selfish on our part, for you are in the best place right now. You are in heaven, and we are here...so very far away from you. But still, we hold you forever in our hearts, where you will always be. And still, we thank God for every precious moment we had with you. You will always be our miracle, Baby Boy.

We love you~ Mommy and Daddy

An Update...My Sister

I found out that my sister's biopsy was actually sent to Mayo Clinic for diagnosis, so results will not be back until Friday at the earliest and possibly not until next week. The hospital did take a "quick look" at it, and they thought it looked cancer-free, but that is not definite. Also, they were not sure what the mass is at all. Yes, it's all very confusing, I know. If Mayo says it's not cancer, and they still can't identify what it is, then they still have to do surgery on her to look at it and, I believe, remove it at the same time. Here's the tricky part-- the tumor is right between her right lung and her heart. So surgery means basically the same opening-up procedure involved with open-heart surgery. Please pray that news will continue to be that it is not cancer, and that they will be able to identify it so that surgery is not needed. Also, she seems to be in some pain and is very sick and weak from everything.

Again, wish ya knew my sister. Some of you do. Think of the most genuine, most sincere, sweetest, most fun person you've ever met, and that's her. I wish I were half the person she is. She is my mother through and through. My older sister and I usually just laugh and say, "Yep, Miss has that angelic quality that we seem to be missing." All in sisterly fun.

A few moments from this trip that I'll never forget...

* When I first saw Miss in the hospital, she hugged us with that beautiful, sweet smile of hers.
* Seeing her sit up so that she could hold her Baby Audrey for a minute.
* Watching her tonight sing "The Itsy Bitsy Spider" to her.
* Hearing Miss thank little Audrey for that little smile she gave her mommy.
* Knowing that I'd be blessed to be half the awesome mother she is...
* I helped her get into bed tonight. She just seems so sick and frail right now. I wanted to pray with her, so I asked her exactly where the tumor was. She silently raised her hand to
her heart, over slightly to the right. I placed my hand there and prayed--

"Dear Lord, please heal her now. Please take away whatever is wrong, and make her well. God, I love her so much. She is a blessing to us all. Please give us all strength and peace right now..."

Please join me in this prayer... we would appreciate it so much!

Keep Praying for My Sister...

Yesterday, my sister had an MRI. This basically confirmed that it is a tumor/mass in her chest cavity. She had a biopsy done right after, but unfortunately we won't have those results until sometime Wednesday. We are all waiting very anxiously and are very, very scared. Please keep praying that this is nothing serious. I know she would really appreciate it!

Pray for my Sister

We don't have much information now, but my parents just called and said that my sister has been taken to the ER. She has pneumonia, but in the chest x-ray they also found a mass on her lung. They're doing a biopsy on it now. Her bloodwork also indicates that she may have a blood clot somewhere. She is my younger sister and is only 31. Please pray for her that they'll find out quickly what it is, and that it will be nothing life threatening after all! She lives 8 hrs from us, so Mike and I are packed and ready to go. I am scared right now. I love her so much, so please pray!

Peace

I was telling Mike tonight how the ache in my heart is getting bigger again, now that we are quickly inching closer to our due date of April 5th. What else is there to do than to grab on to that peace that God can give us? I know sometimes for me, it comes down to a choice. I can let myself stay forever wallowing in my sorrow, which trust me...I could so easily do sometimes. Or I can CHOOSE to believe that God has a plan and He knows what He's doing. That doesn't mean I don't cry and grieve...I cry a lot! Sometimes all day, and sometimes it's an all-weekender event. But I don't let myself stay there permanently. If I did, I wouldn't be seeing the good and the blessing from my little Tyer's life. That's the road I've got to take. Not just for my own sanity, but for my little boy. Meeting him and having his purity and innocence in my hands inspired me to be the Mommy he needed, and now inspires me to be a better person...to be the person God planned me to be all along.

So about that peace?

I need that peace now. That peace that passes the need to understand any of this. The peace that passes the urge to figure all of this out.

I'm asking you for it, God, and I thank you for giving it to me!

"And the peace of God, which passes all understanding, will guard your hearts and minds through Him." ~Philipians 4:7

Priceless

So with tax season coming up, I found myself feeling sick thinking about a tax credit for having our baby in 2007. I asked my husband about it, and as soon as the words were out of my mouth, I just felt guilty. It's a hard thing to explain, but the whole idea of that just made me sick to think about. Get money back for our baby? Our baby that we lost? In a crazy way, it's like putting a price tag on our time with him...

Tax credit= $1,000
Time with Tyler= 6 days
Benefit per day= $167.00

As silly as it all may sound, I can't help but feel like I would rather get no money. It's not like I want a larger amount, I just don't want any at all. No one can pay any amount for that time we had with our precious son. In fact, I would pay a million dollars just to have one day again. One more day to feel that tiny hand clenching my finger. One more day to eagerly get ready to visit him. One more day to see him respond to my voice. One more day just to whisper into his ear, "Mommy loves you, sweet baby." One day to have the chance to hold him before he died. One day just to lay my face against his little belly.

One more day, that's all.

I would give anything.

His Scrapbook

While I was pregnant, I was going to start a scrapbook about my baby. I'm still planning on doing it, but for so long I just was putting it off. I started it yesterday, and it was painful! Everything is spread out in the guest room...which would have been the nursery. It felt so unreal as I sat in the room working on it. I should have been painting it and picking out cute curtains, not making a memory book of the baby that I lost. It felt so unfair. It was hard to just see everything again... all of his little things. His tiny little diaper. My hospital wristband. His social security card that will never be signed. His birth record with those cute, little footprints. The pictures of our beautiful time together. I let out a good, long cry which always helps me to be able to pick up and keep going with life. That, and knowing that somehow this is not the end... that that emptiness will be filled somday. My guest room will have a crib in it someday, holding our little baby that's waiting to be held by us. I DO believe that!

Purpose

As you already know, this blog is in memory of my sweet baby and the 6 wonderful days we had with him. At first, I had debated about sharing such personal information with complete and total strangers, but if there is even one person out there that feels encouraged, then the mission of this blog has been accomplished. Secondly, it's also a way for our friends and family to have constant access to updates on how we are doing. I know that doing this will also be therapeutic to me in itself. Sometimes it all just feels like a dream. Lastly, for those who are willing, I'd like to ask for your prayers. We know that someday we will be Mommy and Daddy again...we are just not sure how or when. Please pray that in God's time and in God's way, it will happen again for us. We would appreciate that so much!

It's time!

I have wanted to start a blog for years now, and I decided it's finally time! I pray that if you are here, reading this, that you feel encouraged in some way. I'm calling this blog "Six Days." If you knew ahead of time that you only had six days with your child, how would you spend it? Pack it full of living, loving, and the things that will mean the most to you in the end. So, this blog will not only tell you about our beautiful son Tyler, but it will also be about life before and after him. We miss him so much, and we will keep his memory forever in our hearts. If you have ever lost a child, I know that ache. There is a plan... one that we may not know, but God does. Hold on and hope on and trust God to take care of the rest...